The Literary Alchemist

I still love Amy Winehouse and think she's hot. She'll stand beside me if I'm fighting some unholy war. If you don't realize that Amy Winehouse is probably the greatest girlfriend in the history of the world, listen to the shit she says a little more carefully. God what a genius. That's right, she's a genius, and I still like her despite Perez and the rest of the bitter fehgues propaganda and her crackhead husband. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I haven't posted in eons. I have been chopping down trees and putting in new grass at Winterfell, enjoying the splendor (and taxing nature) of homeownership. It's really unbelievable the amount of bullshit that comes with this life but it's well worth it. I am king in the North and will bend the knee to none. If you don't like it, get the fuck off my property or be shot dead. My direwolf loves grass and picking up sticks and his house and chuffing at the deer. I just walked outside and even on a cloudy night saw more stars than I did during 10 plus years in the urban shitholes of NYC. Clean air, crickets, the wind in the leaves, cool grass on my bare feet. You aint no man without no land.

I got a new job. To be frank, I got a job about 10x better than any job I thought I'd have in my life that I'm loving way more than I thought possible. When you're not annoyed to go in to work, it's just life-changing. For all the tribulations and bullshit I've been through I've got to thank God for all of my blessings, including not billing time and wearing jeans to work. If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old Alchemist where the 30 year old Alchemist would find himself he'd have laughed his ass off and been pretty happy I think. Bring my brother home intact from Iraq and let my daughter be born healthy and you'll hear no further complaints or threats from this curmudgeon.

I've got a lot of thoughts about a lot of things that are going on but I don't give them away for free anymore. Take me to lunch if you want a laugh or to hear someone tell the truth in ways most people don't like to. In your heart of hearts, in the places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want the Alchemist on that wall, you need him on that wall. Well Lieutenant Weinberg, the imitators can do their hacky imitation of my blog, I'm semi retired. Consider me Axl Rose sitting out in the desert with a loaded shotgun. If I want to come back and destroy you all I will.

This is fucking hilarious. Stick with it and hear James Earl lay it down as only Darth can.

Given that I am in blogging semi-retirement, I rarely read my sitemeter. Having not checked it probably in 2 seasons or so, I checked it today.

Reading (like my writing) has slowed down, but I appear to have one big new fan, accessing from Simon & Schuster in Jersey (or New York, perhaps their systems are just in NJ). This Simon & Schuster character has read like 500 pages of my blog. I'm not kidding, every day they click on, click through about 10 pages and then exit.

Either I am on the verge of literary greatness, or some douche has just linked through here and is enjoying my foolishness, or something even more sinister is going on. That's right, someone may be getting ready to BITE THE ALCHEMIST on a professional and global scale.

First and foremost, be warned, every god damned letter on this site is (C) 2004-2007, EvilAlchemist Productions. Second, nobody can do it like the Alchemist. Some dilweeds try, running a stale recycled version of my one of a kind genius for their low-rent readerships. They fail, and so will anyone infringing my propertah.

You read every day Simon & Schuster, so I salute you -- whether you hate or love, your perseverance and commitment is strong. Wrestlers know that whether the fans cheer you or throw popcorn and soda and spit at you, a reaction is proof positive that you're doing your job. I am doing my job-- that said, if a book involving dump-taking incidents, commuting annoyance, and crazed and paranoid political invective comes out, I'm going to hold some of the people on this Sitemeter responsible. If some person I don't know who works for Simon & Schuster realizes the greatness of this blog (or finds it compellingly terrifying, or John Waters style savant-grotesque) send me a god damn check. I have mortgage payments to make. I have a lot more in the tank. Help me jeebus!!!

Anyway, I logged onto the computer intending to write about an epic war I had with a garter snake over the weekend but I'm tired now. The Micromachines guy version of the story won't be so entertaining, but you can blame the Simon & Schuster jagoff who reads my blog too much. I came home from the store, there was a 17 inch garter snake coiled on my garage floor. I swept it out of the garage with my push broom, at which point it literally reared up and bared its fangs at me (who knew they had fangs?) I probably would try to look tough if I were awakened by an alien object catapulting me 15 feet out of a dead sleep, but I panicked and reversed my push broom, bringing it down like an executioner's axe and damn near severing the snake in 2 with a mighty blow of the broom's wooden top. The snake lies on a rock in my garden and shall serve as a warning to any would-be reptilian invaders of Winterfell - slither at your own risk.

If you're not Tivoing Dr. Phil, do yourself a favor and pick it up. Unstoppable episodes about stage parents this week, rivaling 'Showbiz Moms and Dads' which was perhaps one of the best shows ever made. Dr. Phil rulz, Maury drulz.

My suburban schedule is shaping up and I think I like it. Less late night partying for me, I am now a relatively early to bed (11 30 latest), early to rise (6 45) guy. My body seems to be happy with this newfound circadian rhythm compliance program; who would have thought that waking up right around the time the sun comes up would work for man-animals? I bet L Ron Hubbard has something to say about Man-animals and their relation to the sun.

I've barbecued just about every night this week. Tonight I cooked up some hot sausage with cheese, just beautiful. Weber Genesis E320 4 lyfe. There is a reason Consumer Reports holds this grill down as # 1 propane on the market. You aint no man without no land.

My brother has touched down on the beach and 12-15 months of anxiety are in full swing. Family health issues, a new house and increasingly pregnant wife make for high stress. Drudge pointed out that men in their mid-30s to mid-40s are the least satisfied humans on earth today, and I think I know why. These man shoes are constricting and difficult to wear. Nonetheless Winter is Coming and the North will hold. I went out in my yard last night and said my words to a heart tree. I am the sword in the darkness. If you don't read George RR Martin you don't know what I'm talking about, but then anyone who hasn't read GEORRM after my one man campaign to spread his gospel is worthy only of death. Get the fuck off my blog you stupid philistines!

The Scooter is gone and in a good place, wherever that is. Scooter was a true original and I've always supported him -- yes his calls were inaccurate; yes he refused to take his job too seriously. I support him in that and in his tradition I too refuse to take my job too seriously. Being with family (even if it means knocking off work early to beat traffic), birthday wishes and good cannolis are more important at the end of the day.

I've had numerous requests for more blogging but I'm engaged in other creative endeavors right now. Maybe one of these days I'll get really angry during my commute or almost shit my pants or do something newsworthy but right now I'm busy on my 40 acres with my mule (or dog as the case may be).

We are slowly moving things from boxes into more permanent homes in our new house. The process has been frustratingly slow, but we're starting to make a dent. Kitchen's unpacked, most of our clothes, and I've set up the basement tv.

We need to get a lot of furniture -- couch for the basement/media room, furniture for the den, guest room furniture, furniture for our nanny's room, a new office set, deck furniture. LOTS to buy.

The great Jean Luc Picard confirmed his status as boon companion with one of the most thoughtful housewarming gifts in history, a sweet meat freezer for my finished basement. It came at 8 AM saturday and fits perfectly into a wood-paneled closet in my basement. I have a bar down there (dry bar) and Picard rightly posited that I could keep ice for the bar in there. Moreso, the freezer itself is fucking awesome and is dying to be filled up with meat by a local butcher. I am in the midst of a butcher search at which time I will instruct him in my basic likes and dislikes and have him come make a shipment 'to impress me.' Oh the amount of food I will store in there. Picard is officially confirmed as 'First Guest' of Winterfell and shall enjoy privileges commensurate with this status, he gets first attempt at banging my nanny. He can consider himself Ted Danson to my Clinton.

I've grilled out many times during Week 1 of the Suburbs and there's nothing like the succulent taste of meat off the Genesis E320. What a grill. I wish my stupid resin chairs would show up for my deck so I'd be able to eat at my outdoor table.

I also had an epic battle with yellow jackets which seem to have a big nest in a wall void near my fireplace. I had to caulk the whole thing up so there were no cracks (they kept trickling into my den, 3 and 4 at a time) but I have stemmed the flow. An exterminator put dust on their hive and I used that foam fill in insulation to trap them in the wall. I still see workers swarming, now to the other side of the chimney, so I put out some traps. My exterminators have a guarantee so I'll call this week and have them gas these bastards again. Fucking yellow jackets!

As we speak my brother is probably landing in Kuwait, preparing to start 12-15 mos in Ramadi, Iraq. I really don't have anything more to say other than it's killing me and I hope like hell that he can stay safe for the duration of his tour. I drank almost 2 bottles of wine at this wedding today to get my mind right but I didn't even get drunk. Drinking wine and beer make it hard to get properly drunk, but easy to get nauseous, bloated, and over-acidic I've found.

This move has been harrowing. I'm exhausted but the heavy lifting is done, though for the next 3 weeks to 3 months I'm sure there will be something to do every day. My basement / media room / gaming sanctuary has not been set up. Much furniture will have to be ordered in the reasonably near term. But my bedroom is set up, I have tv and phone and Internet and make my maiden voyage on metro north tomorrow.

I think my house is going to rule. It already somewhat rules; I was grilling burgers on my Weber Genesis E320 just last night, enjoying the bounty of our nation on my deck. Then I hung up my American flag on my front porch. Man that felt sweet.

More will follow if I get the energy to update, for now I say fuck living with the scum of the earth on top of you in the city.

My move approaches -- this weekend I boxed all the books, DVDs, video games and assorted entertainment clutter in my house. I have 2 N64's, a PS1, a PS2, an XBOX, a 360, a PS3, a Wii, a Gamecube, 2 Gameboy colors, a gameboy advance, and a PSP. Probably close to 180 games between those various systems. This does not include my PC gaming library. Wow. Average $40 a title -- I've likely spent $35 k on video game hardware and software in my adult life. The media collection is a bit much.

Moving from a place where you've lived this long (8 yrs) is tough -- finding lots of old school memorabilia as I cull the archives. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be Warden of the North again, wielding the famed broadsword Ice. We hold to the old ways in the North. I once again find myself in a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath on the end of a cul de sac street -- the circle of life.

Went to the Yankee game with my dad Friday night but the Yankees unfortunately got smoked. He had great tickets though, club seating in the loge just to the left side of the press box for a third base view -- I highly recommend that vantage, great way to watch a game. At any rate, the game was fun in that despite the drubbing we were seated behind the family of a call up from the minors named Shelley Duncan. We realized this when he came up, had no batting average and I watched as his awkward cousin took a photo of his face on the scoreboard at Yankee Stadium and his first MLB at bat. Really kind of a heartwarming feeling watching them agonize (his first 2 ABs were both pressure RBI situations and he struck out both times, though in his second AB he hit a ball into the upper deck that was foul by about 5 feet).

Talking to them we found out that he's the son of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan and recently set a Yankees minor league record by hitting 25 HR down at Wilkes-Barre over the course of the first 90 games this season -- pretty good pace. Yesterday he hit a HR and today he hit TWO. The guy's 28 years old so he may have caught some late in life lightning in a bottle. Shelley Duncan is en fuego and having seen his debut in the way we saw it I will be certain to pull hard for him on a going-forward basis. Aint that America?

This move is definitely going to be earthshaking and I'm just trying to soak up the ambience -- last days of the King of Hoboken. Hit the St. Anne's feast over the weekend and sucked up the ambience. I have not broken my move to Pascual the Barber he is going to be devastated.

So I go on IMDB To look up the hot chick from Transformers who I thought was SUPER hot.

I find out that not only does she have hotly skanky tattoos (most tattoos are NOT hot, chicks with their 'hot' tattoos need to learn they look terrible) but HER tattoos were hot AND...she is ENGAGED TO DAVID SILVER!

Brian Austin Green is a true American hero. I am sick and tired of people hating on him. He and Steve Sanders should run for Pres and VP (BAG as Veep). I would vote for them 10 times. Steve ran his newspaper with an iron fist.

I'm so tired. A large scale work product is draining the shit out of me. My move is going forward, slowly but surely, we had the mover give us an estimate today. The guy was very reasonable according to my wife who met him -- I had a long phone conference with him earlier this week. Just goes to show that there are a lot of simple businesses such as moving that are actually really simple, if properly overseen and managed. Such management and customer service is the difference. At one point I was going to put an unemployable former associate to work in a directions business I was going to call "You Can Get There From Here." Trot him and those like him out onto the street in visible neon smocks to sell directions to tourists. I tell you it would work. Just as I could easily set up a moving company and make money. It's just a question of savvy and attentive management. But, I'm pretty tired. And managing stupid people gets REALLY tiresome.

I salute you David Silver. You're the man. Transformers was awesome, and your new finance is just as good an actress as your old one (Kelly Kapowski). God what a gangsta.