The Literary Alchemist

one ping only.

2010-02-20T17:36:00.001-04:00

ping.

What Kind of Fuckery is This?

2007-10-10T23:52:00.000-04:00

I still love Amy Winehouse and think she's hot. She'll stand beside me if I'm fighting some unholy war. If you don't realize that Amy Winehouse is probably the greatest girlfriend in the history of the world, listen to the shit she says a little more carefully. God what a genius. That's right, she's a genius, and I still like her despite Perez and the rest of the bitter fehgues propaganda and her crackhead husband. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I haven't posted in eons. I have been chopping down trees and putting in new grass at Winterfell, enjoying the splendor (and taxing nature) of homeownership. It's really unbelievable the amount of bullshit that comes with this life but it's well worth it. I am king in the North and will bend the knee to none. If you don't like it, get the fuck off my property or be shot dead. My direwolf loves grass and picking up sticks and his house and chuffing at the deer. I just walked outside and even on a cloudy night saw more stars than I did during 10 plus years in the urban shitholes of NYC. Clean air, crickets, the wind in the leaves, cool grass on my bare feet. You aint no man without no land.

I got a new job. To be frank, I got a job about 10x better than any job I thought I'd have in my life that I'm loving way more than I thought possible. When you're not annoyed to go in to work, it's just life-changing. For all the tribulations and bullshit I've been through I've got to thank God for all of my blessings, including not billing time and wearing jeans to work. If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old Alchemist where the 30 year old Alchemist would find himself he'd have laughed his ass off and been pretty happy I think. Bring my brother home intact from Iraq and let my daughter be born healthy and you'll hear no further complaints or threats from this curmudgeon.

I've got a lot of thoughts about a lot of things that are going on but I don't give them away for free anymore. Take me to lunch if you want a laugh or to hear someone tell the truth in ways most people don't like to. In your heart of hearts, in the places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want the Alchemist on that wall, you need him on that wall. Well Lieutenant Weinberg, the imitators can do their hacky imitation of my blog, I'm semi retired. Consider me Axl Rose sitting out in the desert with a loaded shotgun. If I want to come back and destroy you all I will.

This is fucking hilarious. Stick with it and hear James Earl lay it down as only Darth can.

Fun with Sitemeter

2007-08-23T22:35:00.001-04:00

Given that I am in blogging semi-retirement, I rarely read my sitemeter. Having not checked it probably in 2 seasons or so, I checked it today.

Reading (like my writing) has slowed down, but I appear to have one big new fan, accessing from Simon & Schuster in Jersey (or New York, perhaps their systems are just in NJ). This Simon & Schuster character has read like 500 pages of my blog. I'm not kidding, every day they click on, click through about 10 pages and then exit.

Either I am on the verge of literary greatness, or some douche has just linked through here and is enjoying my foolishness, or something even more sinister is going on. That's right, someone may be getting ready to BITE THE ALCHEMIST on a professional and global scale.

First and foremost, be warned, every god damned letter on this site is (C) 2004-2007, EvilAlchemist Productions. Second, nobody can do it like the Alchemist. Some dilweeds try, running a stale recycled version of my one of a kind genius for their low-rent readerships. They fail, and so will anyone infringing my propertah.

You read every day Simon & Schuster, so I salute you -- whether you hate or love, your perseverance and commitment is strong. Wrestlers know that whether the fans cheer you or throw popcorn and soda and spit at you, a reaction is proof positive that you're doing your job. I am doing my job-- that said, if a book involving dump-taking incidents, commuting annoyance, and crazed and paranoid political invective comes out, I'm going to hold some of the people on this Sitemeter responsible. If some person I don't know who works for Simon & Schuster realizes the greatness of this blog (or finds it compellingly terrifying, or John Waters style savant-grotesque) send me a god damn check. I have mortgage payments to make. I have a lot more in the tank. Help me jeebus!!!

Anyway, I logged onto the computer intending to write about an epic war I had with a garter snake over the weekend but I'm tired now. The Micromachines guy version of the story won't be so entertaining, but you can blame the Simon & Schuster jagoff who reads my blog too much. I came home from the store, there was a 17 inch garter snake coiled on my garage floor. I swept it out of the garage with my push broom, at which point it literally reared up and bared its fangs at me (who knew they had fangs?) I probably would try to look tough if I were awakened by an alien object catapulting me 15 feet out of a dead sleep, but I panicked and reversed my push broom, bringing it down like an executioner's axe and damn near severing the snake in 2 with a mighty blow of the broom's wooden top. The snake lies on a rock in my garden and shall serve as a warning to any would-be reptilian invaders of Winterfell - slither at your own risk.

If you're not Tivoing Dr. Phil, do yourself a favor and pick it up. Unstoppable episodes about stage parents this week, rivaling 'Showbiz Moms and Dads' which was perhaps one of the best shows ever made. Dr. Phil rulz, Maury drulz.

Grilling and Chilling

2007-08-15T22:41:00.000-04:00

My suburban schedule is shaping up and I think I like it. Less late night partying for me, I am now a relatively early to bed (11 30 latest), early to rise (6 45) guy. My body seems to be happy with this newfound circadian rhythm compliance program; who would have thought that waking up right around the time the sun comes up would work for man-animals? I bet L Ron Hubbard has something to say about Man-animals and their relation to the sun.

I've barbecued just about every night this week. Tonight I cooked up some hot sausage with cheese, just beautiful. Weber Genesis E320 4 lyfe. There is a reason Consumer Reports holds this grill down as # 1 propane on the market. You aint no man without no land.

My brother has touched down on the beach and 12-15 months of anxiety are in full swing. Family health issues, a new house and increasingly pregnant wife make for high stress. Drudge pointed out that men in their mid-30s to mid-40s are the least satisfied humans on earth today, and I think I know why. These man shoes are constricting and difficult to wear. Nonetheless Winter is Coming and the North will hold. I went out in my yard last night and said my words to a heart tree. I am the sword in the darkness. If you don't read George RR Martin you don't know what I'm talking about, but then anyone who hasn't read GEORRM after my one man campaign to spread his gospel is worthy only of death. Get the fuck off my blog you stupid philistines!

The Scooter is gone and in a good place, wherever that is. Scooter was a true original and I've always supported him -- yes his calls were inaccurate; yes he refused to take his job too seriously. I support him in that and in his tradition I too refuse to take my job too seriously. Being with family (even if it means knocking off work early to beat traffic), birthday wishes and good cannolis are more important at the end of the day.

I've had numerous requests for more blogging but I'm engaged in other creative endeavors right now. Maybe one of these days I'll get really angry during my commute or almost shit my pants or do something newsworthy but right now I'm busy on my 40 acres with my mule (or dog as the case may be).

Tired

2007-08-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

We are slowly moving things from boxes into more permanent homes in our new house. The process has been frustratingly slow, but we're starting to make a dent. Kitchen's unpacked, most of our clothes, and I've set up the basement tv.

We need to get a lot of furniture -- couch for the basement/media room, furniture for the den, guest room furniture, furniture for our nanny's room, a new office set, deck furniture. LOTS to buy.

The great Jean Luc Picard confirmed his status as boon companion with one of the most thoughtful housewarming gifts in history, a sweet meat freezer for my finished basement. It came at 8 AM saturday and fits perfectly into a wood-paneled closet in my basement. I have a bar down there (dry bar) and Picard rightly posited that I could keep ice for the bar in there. Moreso, the freezer itself is fucking awesome and is dying to be filled up with meat by a local butcher. I am in the midst of a butcher search at which time I will instruct him in my basic likes and dislikes and have him come make a shipment 'to impress me.' Oh the amount of food I will store in there. Picard is officially confirmed as 'First Guest' of Winterfell and shall enjoy privileges commensurate with this status, he gets first attempt at banging my nanny. He can consider himself Ted Danson to my Clinton.

I've grilled out many times during Week 1 of the Suburbs and there's nothing like the succulent taste of meat off the Genesis E320. What a grill. I wish my stupid resin chairs would show up for my deck so I'd be able to eat at my outdoor table.

I also had an epic battle with yellow jackets which seem to have a big nest in a wall void near my fireplace. I had to caulk the whole thing up so there were no cracks (they kept trickling into my den, 3 and 4 at a time) but I have stemmed the flow. An exterminator put dust on their hive and I used that foam fill in insulation to trap them in the wall. I still see workers swarming, now to the other side of the chimney, so I put out some traps. My exterminators have a guarantee so I'll call this week and have them gas these bastards again. Fucking yellow jackets!

As we speak my brother is probably landing in Kuwait, preparing to start 12-15 mos in Ramadi, Iraq. I really don't have anything more to say other than it's killing me and I hope like hell that he can stay safe for the duration of his tour. I drank almost 2 bottles of wine at this wedding today to get my mind right but I didn't even get drunk. Drinking wine and beer make it hard to get properly drunk, but easy to get nauseous, bloated, and over-acidic I've found.

Exhaustion.

2007-08-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

This move has been harrowing. I'm exhausted but the heavy lifting is done, though for the next 3 weeks to 3 months I'm sure there will be something to do every day. My basement / media room / gaming sanctuary has not been set up. Much furniture will have to be ordered in the reasonably near term. But my bedroom is set up, I have tv and phone and Internet and make my maiden voyage on metro north tomorrow.

I think my house is going to rule. It already somewhat rules; I was grilling burgers on my Weber Genesis E320 just last night, enjoying the bounty of our nation on my deck. Then I hung up my American flag on my front porch. Man that felt sweet.

More will follow if I get the energy to update, for now I say fuck living with the scum of the earth on top of you in the city.

Moving Preparations

2007-07-22T19:42:00.001-04:00

My move approaches -- this weekend I boxed all the books, DVDs, video games and assorted entertainment clutter in my house. I have 2 N64's, a PS1, a PS2, an XBOX, a 360, a PS3, a Wii, a Gamecube, 2 Gameboy colors, a gameboy advance, and a PSP. Probably close to 180 games between those various systems. This does not include my PC gaming library. Wow. Average $40 a title -- I've likely spent $35 k on video game hardware and software in my adult life. The media collection is a bit much.

Moving from a place where you've lived this long (8 yrs) is tough -- finding lots of old school memorabilia as I cull the archives. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be Warden of the North again, wielding the famed broadsword Ice. We hold to the old ways in the North. I once again find myself in a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath on the end of a cul de sac street -- the circle of life.

Went to the Yankee game with my dad Friday night but the Yankees unfortunately got smoked. He had great tickets though, club seating in the loge just to the left side of the press box for a third base view -- I highly recommend that vantage, great way to watch a game. At any rate, the game was fun in that despite the drubbing we were seated behind the family of a call up from the minors named Shelley Duncan. We realized this when he came up, had no batting average and I watched as his awkward cousin took a photo of his face on the scoreboard at Yankee Stadium and his first MLB at bat. Really kind of a heartwarming feeling watching them agonize (his first 2 ABs were both pressure RBI situations and he struck out both times, though in his second AB he hit a ball into the upper deck that was foul by about 5 feet).

Talking to them we found out that he's the son of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan and recently set a Yankees minor league record by hitting 25 HR down at Wilkes-Barre over the course of the first 90 games this season -- pretty good pace. Yesterday he hit a HR and today he hit TWO. The guy's 28 years old so he may have caught some late in life lightning in a bottle. Shelley Duncan is en fuego and having seen his debut in the way we saw it I will be certain to pull hard for him on a going-forward basis. Aint that America?

This move is definitely going to be earthshaking and I'm just trying to soak up the ambience -- last days of the King of Hoboken. Hit the St. Anne's feast over the weekend and sucked up the ambience. I have not broken my move to Pascual the Barber he is going to be devastated.

Whoa

2007-07-05T22:20:00.000-04:00

So I go on IMDB To look up the hot chick from Transformers who I thought was SUPER hot.

I find out that not only does she have hotly skanky tattoos (most tattoos are NOT hot, chicks with their 'hot' tattoos need to learn they look terrible) but HER tattoos were hot AND...she is ENGAGED TO DAVID SILVER!

Brian Austin Green is a true American hero. I am sick and tired of people hating on him. He and Steve Sanders should run for Pres and VP (BAG as Veep). I would vote for them 10 times. Steve ran his newspaper with an iron fist.

I'm so tired. A large scale work product is draining the shit out of me. My move is going forward, slowly but surely, we had the mover give us an estimate today. The guy was very reasonable according to my wife who met him -- I had a long phone conference with him earlier this week. Just goes to show that there are a lot of simple businesses such as moving that are actually really simple, if properly overseen and managed. Such management and customer service is the difference. At one point I was going to put an unemployable former associate to work in a directions business I was going to call "You Can Get There From Here." Trot him and those like him out onto the street in visible neon smocks to sell directions to tourists. I tell you it would work. Just as I could easily set up a moving company and make money. It's just a question of savvy and attentive management. But, I'm pretty tired. And managing stupid people gets REALLY tiresome.

I salute you David Silver. You're the man. Transformers was awesome, and your new finance is just as good an actress as your old one (Kelly Kapowski). God what a gangsta.

See His Pug Nosed Face

2007-06-05T22:22:00.000-04:00

Much time has passed since my last post. Things have been extremely busy. In the past months the following has happened:

I have fathered a daughter (albeit unborn);

I have purchased a house (or signed a contract to buy one and obtained the necessary financing);

I have begun a professional association which is likely to irrevocably change the course of my career;

I've eaten God knows how much pizza;

I've seen the great Ricky Gervais live, sitting no more than 20 feet from him. The awesome show came complete with an introduction from a tuxedo-clad David Bowie, who lead the audience in his denigratory "Chubby Little Fat Man" masterwork from Season 2 of Extras. You haven't lived until you've shouted out 'PUG, PUG' in rhythm with a thousand other people as Bowie leads you in a singalong.

Ah, the circle of life.

You want stress? I've had stress.

When and if you are expecting, I recommend against 'genetic counseling' with every fiber of my being. They run 2 tests, an ultrasound scan and a hormone check of the mother. Though our scan looked normal, hormone levels indicated there MIGHT be an elevated risk of our baby having Down's Syndrome. Instead of 1 in 500 or 750, they told us 1 in 80. You want to feel terrible about yourself and every piece of contraband you've ever ingested, inhaled, or swallowed, go through this 5 weeks of horror. I don't think I've had a carefree moment in nigh on two months until today, when chromosomal analysis (finally some real science) indicated the sex and genetic normality of my daughter. God DAMN it has been a trial and a tribulation.

Needless to say, this business has partially contributed to a desire not to blog, though I really have been overwhelmingly busy. The intervening months will see the Alchemist return to the beautiful valley of his birth, if only to cheer for the chief rival of the biggest douche academy on Earth. Labor day blowout on the Alchemist's deck, where he will be grilling up a storm prior to allowing his guests to adjourn to his epic hot tub.

My dog will finally have a sweet yard to romp in, and I will be in a familiar region. Grass, trees, a low traffic cul de sac and plenty of peace and motherfucking quiet.

I go to a much deserved rest now, the first I'll have had in some time without lying in bed indulging in the last refuge of a desperate man, praying like mad until I drift. I leave on this note -- NO ONE has laughed more at Life Goes On, Something About Mary, et. al than I have. Nobody. One of my less creative associates even copied the name of a legendary disabled classmate of mine as his online handle.

I am not going to say I no longer see the humor, but I will tell you that the instant and horrific terror and sadness one feels for the disability or difficulty put before their child is staggering. The world spins, the record goes into slow motion, and the camera loses focus. It's as bad as a scary dream sequence in Necessary Roughness -- you feel like Mitch Gaylord, hearing his father scream with rage as he contemplates flipping his way to legendary status.

It's evening in America and all is right with the world, at least as right as it can be right now.

The Alchemist's Summer Recommendations:

Amy Winehouse -- when I realized the oddly hot crackish looking girl was the voice on "I'm No Good" from Ghostface's last album More Fish I had to run out and download her whole album. The production is dead on with the Wu Tang wing I most appreciate (the Ghost beats, the later Raekwon beats -- lots of big, badass 60s and early 70s horns and Wall of Sound type drums, bells, and the like) and Winehouse is the best new singing voice of the 21st century. Don't even try to debate me on this. Anyone wise enough to blend a Ghostface production style with this much singing and songwriting talent is forever my girl. If you download this album and don't think it's good I'll refund your money (and never talk to you again). It should also be noted that Ghostface has put out about 7 3.5-4 star grade albums in the past 15 years. Nobody sees but the Alchemist...he sees...sees and appreciates. If the moron Broccolis do not immediately sign my girl Amy and her naked lady tattoos to sing a Bond theme, I'm going to stab somebody with a spoon.

George RR Martin books (before HBO ruins the series by bringing a lot of n00bs in and feeding them splenda instead of the pure cane).

The inimitable stylings of the late great master of cyclopean terror, HP Lovecraft.

Little Britain

Brookstone's portable fan for the subway

All of my great recommendations will no doubt be appearing on some paedophile Alchemist imitator blog soon enough. You're still a paedophile who lives below the poverty line, no matter how many airs you put on or how much content you bite, Daffyd!

Update

2007-04-22T23:00:00.000-04:00

Many people have wondered why I haven't been blogging.

I've been getting my grown man on like nobody's business and that makes spilling guts on the Internet a low priority. While the scum of the earth take unemployment, cheat on their taxes and cry about how unfair life is I am pushing the rock up the hill. It's time for the Alchemist to take up residence as more of a private citizen. I'm not running for office but if you want to know of my goings on you'll have to communicate with me personally.

My creative energies are being channeled into (potentially) more profitable endeavors. The Evil Alchemist was and is the greatest slice of life blogger on the Internet; he is the alpha and the omega. All of the imitators out there trying to be him are destined to embarassing karaoke failure.

As my wife's best client wrote so eloquently

"Take me down little Susie, take me down
I know you think you're the queen of the Underground
you can send me dead flowers every morning
send me dead flowers by the mail
send me dead flowers to my wedding
and I won't forget to put roses on your grave."

I'm so Tired

2007-03-21T22:12:00.000-04:00

Real estate wranglings continue, I hear the faint echo of helicopter rotors approaching to extract me from New Jersey. Nothing's done but wheels are in motion.

I tried "Kosher Coke" today. The Post has been bigging up the Kosher coke, released for Passover, as very tasty because it uses pure cane sugar and not corn syrup. A coworker of mine who keeps kosher had the line on Kosher Coke and so I stepped into the time machine to sample the 'soda as it once was.'

Fuck Kosher Coke. She told me it was not nearly as good as real Coke (she wasn't kosher til she got married) and I agree. Peyser and the Post can hype it all they want, Coca Cola Classic is called classic for a reason. Shame on me for believing anything good could come out of kosher cooking.

Here I am flying on my flying mount. When I crested the clouds over Shadowmoon Valley, and was struck by rays of the sun that had not reached the ground in generations, I nearly broke into tears. God bless you, Warcraft.

Dancing with the Stars

2007-03-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

Vote early, vote often, vote STEVE SANDERS.

I'm heartbroken that Heather Mills' leg did not fall off. The producers know what they have, they'll keep her for almost last every week, because we all want it to fall off.

Fear not, she will fall or her limb will fall off.

I hit level 70 and have a flying mount. It's amazing.

Boy

2007-03-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

has it been awhile. I'm just busy with a lot of endeavors lately. Irons in the fire and all that.

Tax time sucks. I pay more taxes than a lot of bums earn in a year. Those of you who have had so many stints on the dole, hurry up and die. There's nothing more contemptible than the indignation and sense of entitlement of the unemployed. You are not that talented, you valueless cocksucking ticks.

I've never been on unemployment or your welfare and yet I pay every year to support you fucking ticks. I get no tax deductions for student loan interest because I'm 'rich.' We need to kill these fucking ticks before they suck us dry.

I don't watch Idol once the bad auditions are over anymore but boy am I voting for this Indian queer Sanjaya. Horrid singer, super fague, just poetry. SANJAYA!

Heather Mills' leg falling off will be a high mark in reality tv history. My dream of an all-retarded reality show is NOT far off. Maybe Bill will talk to his sister and explain that I am the best concept man in the business one of these days.

Accepted

2007-03-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

Our offer to buy a house up in Somers, NY has been accepted. About a 1 hr train ride to NYC, 4 BR, 2.5 bath, big yard, hot tub, deck. I will be enjoying a fire on my land while you insects are scurrying around the filth of this city. You aint no man without no land.

Still, a lot has yet to be decided -- gotta have my inspection, septic check, well analysis etc. Scary, exciting times.

Developing...

2007-03-06T23:48:00.000-04:00

Looks like my wife and I are close to agreeing to terms to buy a house. Northern suburbs, cradle of the american circus. 4 BR, 2.5 bath, hot tub, big yard. w00t.

I am too stressed out to write at length of our goings on. Converted TEK to WoW. Ugh, I've gotta get some sleep.

FUCKING ANNOYING!

2007-02-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

First, to the fans who are wondering where I've been, I have lots of important stuff going on. My dog is doing well, Burning Crusade is as sweet as I thought it could be, and career wranglings have been significant.

Unfortunately, the fan on the heatsink on my desktop computer is on the fritz and has kept me from playing WoW save for a few hours this weekend. What a fucking abortion. With Warcraft off the table, I find myself forced to blog.

I am working on other projects right now. Did some househunting this weekend and saw some promising stuff. I may just say fuck it and head north, where I can get some real house for the money. My warlock is closing on Level 68. Two of my acquaintances have recently taken up my call to arms in WoW and both are not surprisingly biting me and rolling Warlocks. Boss Hogg went paladin for a bit before he saw the amazing badassery laid down by my Warlock. Everybody wanted to hit like Mantle and everybody wants to WoW like the Alchemist. It is to be expected.

That Helen Mirren is a piece of ase. I've seen her naked. It's true, she used to flash that rack on film back in the day!

To my # 1 imitator, who is currently recycling my work and sucking at the teat of productive citizens such as myself, I quote the great Jackie Puppet, "You better get another job before they crack down on the welfare."

Hang on Donny!

2007-01-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

My poor dog goes under the knife tomorrow, and he'd better pull through or I am turning heel harder than Vorenus did when he thought his children were dead.

I have profiled his woes on his personal blog, and I'm sure he'll pull through like a champ. Either he'll have a more major procedure and just be stitched up, or a more minor one and have a stent/drain put into this cyst of his for a few weeks. I'd prefer he had the easier recovery (sans stent,) so long as the surgery can be completed in such a way that he won't have long term damage.

This Warcraft expansion is just so great. I can't say enough about it. These posts end up making no sense to anyone, but Dekim and I had a sick ongoing PVP camp on two 66's who were just trying to get some fishing done in Stranglethorn Vale. 'Oh, what a sweet fishing spot!' They're bantha fodder. There's nothing more satisfying than destroying some asshole who was camping your little brother with crits. I feel like Peter on "Intervention: Video Game Addict." That guy was the man, one of the only sympathetic Intervention episodes. I'm a serious gamer, more serious than most you know, and I declare Warcraft GAME OF MY LIFE. Better than any NHL genesis game. Better than any Madden. More replayable than any battlenet game, Starcraft included. BEST GAME EVER.

I was watching a classic ODB interview on Howard TV the other day and let me say, Dirty was the biggest loss of the last 5 years. Hands down. Biggest cultural loss of the last 5 years. "It's time for Old Dirty Bastard to not exist no more, it's time for a new Old Dirty Bastard, a baby...not called Old Dirty Bastard as a baby, but you will call him Old Dirty Bastard." In the blogosphere, the Alchemist will grab the mic from Shawn Colvin and start complaining about how much money he spent on his outfit for the Grammys.

I've finally been sent to Time Out on Stern Fan Network for backing Sal the Stockbroker for calling Howard's girlfriend a horseface. Fuck those sycophants, I stand shoulder to shoulder with you Sal. 1994 Howard would shit all over 2007 Howard.

A longtime Alchemist reader e-mailed today and pointed out that I've been tamed and no longer swat the 600 foot home runs of rage that were my calling card for so long. That may be, but fear not, my skillz have not deppreciated, my outlets are just different. One of these days I will feel blogging again (or may,) and at that point all the pretenders shall be vanquished. Cue Carly Simon's 'Nobody Does it Better,' I'm going to bed.

Happy 40th

2007-01-26T01:09:00.000-04:00

to Little Gerry Seinfeld. Many happy returns.

The HALEN is back, with Diamond Dave as front man, where he belongs. The ORIGINAL ASS KICKER. I will be at their tour, if they can hold together long enough to hit the tri-state region.

Man this Warcraft expansion is SERIOUS.

I figured out how to keep my dog's eyes from glowing gold in pictures by using a special setting on my camera. Now I can take pics without him looking all wacked out.

Mr Ruggles can save it with his damn hippy lifestyle, going to Mexico for months at a time and living off the grid. God damn bum living it up. What does he think we are only alive one time? Weak.

Burning Crusade

2007-01-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

This Warcraft expansion is the most amazing thing that has happened in forever. The Outlands, the gear, the PvPing, my soon-to-be-acquired flying mount...God Bless Blizzard. I spent as much time as humanly possible this weekend dominating the Outlands (though unfortunately I did not cut a hole in the seat of my chair and shit into a bucket).

For those of you who enjoyed Blizzard's previous offerings but never bothered with WoW, for the last time in my life I say 'shame on you.' Picard played in the early going but never got to a level sufficient to understand the true nature of the game. I have a new Blood Elf mage and am re-levelling, get in and roll with one of the most feared PVP players on his server. I re-talented my lock as Destructo and am just NUKING people. All the guys who had gotten the epic gear for lev 60 pre-expansion no longer have a gear advantage and none of them can f with the dread blitzkrieger on even footing. Warcraft rulz.

I have railed in the wilderness for George Martin, I have lobbied and lobbied the coolness of WoW to people, but if you don't want to know what's what, go off on your own and watch Ugly Betty. That's on YOU.

In GeoRRM news, HBO has picked up an option to make a TV series out of my personal favorite series of books from which I drew my pen name. This is dangerous, dangerous stuff. I am really not very excited for it; Martin's books are awesome because they have more plot than any other books I've ever read, and there is NO way the gheys at HBO are going to be able to get even 5% of the story into even 22 1-hour episodes. I like a lot of HBO shows, but this is just a very very poor choice. Plus, I know they're going to cast the show all wrong with hack talent and the U.S. will be introduced to the coolest books ever via some ghey crap.

On a more promising note, more 300 trailer footage is available and that movie is going to rule. 300 is a story that is ripe for adaptation and the team doing it is top notch. Fantastic news.

This season of Rome has been heaven. Vorenus is my boy. I AM A SON OF HADES! I can't wait until Octavion crushes Antony. He pimp slapped the shit out of that stupid Atia. Who knows how much of the fantastic story that was the late days of the Roman empire we'll get since those GREASY FAGS CANCELLED ROME AFTER ONLY 2 SEASONS. This is it people, thank Ari Gold. That's why I have so little confidence in HBO re: GeoRRM's master opus; those morons cancel Rome and Deadwood way before their prime and let Arliss live on for 900 seasons. They use their media machine to pretend Entourage is a great show (I've watched it a few times, it's mildly entertaining, about 8% as funny as Curb). We know who runs HBO when we see what shows they shill and the others they kill. That's all I can say without ending up upside down with a fork in my ass like Michael Richards.

For the second week in a row, Tom Brady choked with the game on the line. This time the defensive back was smart enough to fall down. F you, Gaytriots! Biggest choke in AFC CG history.

I am working on a new creative project; my workplace comedy of errors (with the greatest title ever, so good it cannot be written on-blog lest it be stolen) is in a good rough outline form. However, my new subject is going to be a rumination on roommates. It will be great. I've lived with petty criminals, pedophiles, and human vegetables and have plenty of inspiration to draw on. If I could just stop this working thing maybe I would work on these projects instead of conceiving them and heading off to kill Burning Blade cultists. I don't care, killing feels good. Onward, warlocks*.

* I am SUCH a hustler that when I sign onto my guild's Ventrilo server (a program I use to voice chat with all of my Warcraft buddies, yes I'm that cool) I have a sound clip of the Chili Peppers 'Warlocks' song that plays automatically. You don't have Ventrilo theme music. You probably don't even have a Level 62 warlock. n00b.

Where Have You Been?

2007-01-20T02:20:00.000-04:00

Fans have contacted me re: my reduced blogging.

I've had some crazy business irons in the fire and was out in the middle of the country going through some intense shit this week. Warcraft: The Burning Crusade is out and it's everything I dreamed it could be. I have a PS3, a Nintendo Wii, and lead a guild that has grown to 100+ strong against the hated Alliance. I have some motherfucking responsibilities, eat it!

My dog is over 50 lb now and becoming more awesome by the day. He's lost most of his baby teeth which is making him more agreeable; teething was tough. His adult coat is coming in and he's still psyched every time I come home from work. That is some built-in self esteem for you.

I'll be over level 60 by tomorrow. That's right, level 61. Worship me. Crazy gear is dropping for me in the outlands, I have greens that are better than the Tier 2 set. This means nothing to 99% of the audience. Doesn't matter, it is big news.

The new Blogger has me moderating comments. It is a handy feature. Comments that are more for my personal edification I can read and respond via e-mail. Plus having editorial control makes me feel tough. I will block your comments!!!

Got an awesome birthday card from Lovey Howell that plays Michael Jackson when you open it. This is the tribute paid by a true friend.

It's 1:30 and I'm going back to the Outlands to kill some more god damn alliance. The troops need me.

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-01-12T22:26:00.000-04:00

Today, I turned 30.

Some of my stalwort friends and my wife honored me; others spurned me. My own father was clearly called by my brother and told to contact me (given that he called at 9, immediately after I got off the phone with my brother having bitched that he had forgotten my birthday again. This was about the 5th time he has forgotten. Oh, I am like Kelly Taylor. Sigh).

To those of you who did not send me a birthday wish, I say fuck you, you are terrible people! Hang your self-involved heads, I would salute you on so seminal a birthday. I am dark and disturbed like 30 year old Jerry Seinfeld "Another year, inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing." Cue Alchemist detractors talking about how he is a crazed hermitic voice in the wilderness. Kiss my ass, I am going to have to hope that when I go out into my living room Jake will be sitting on the dining room table with a cake, JUST for me. Instead I suspect my dog will shout AUTOMOBIIIIILE in dog-ish and jump on me. Just as well.

I didn't want to have a big birthday party and my wife at least honored my wish-- I'm always uncomfortable throwing a party because I feel like I'm putting everybody out and hate being the cause celebre.

My wife got me a PS3 with assistance from Picard, and it's really cool. The wireless controller is super sweet and when you're playing Madden (which has sick graphics) it flashes scores on the screen from NBA and NFL games and you realize 'whoa these are real-time accurate scores.' The future is now. I have set up my PS3 in my bedroom and play hi-def on the 32'' hdtv I keep in here via wireless from my own bed, wasting aliens in Resistance: Fall of Man. My wife is bitching I play too many video games, yet she gets me Wii for Christmas and PS3 for my birthday AND we all know I have a Warcraft habit. What can you do.

I am going to be posting the funniest job interview story of all time when I get the inclination to put it to paper sometime soon. I went to press with the story at a former coworker lunch this week and Little Jerry Seinfeld almost had a seizure with hilarity at my Larry Davidian antics. Sometimes I'm a real moron, but my life is always an adventure.

Other birthday loot included a great original photograph of a young Mickey Mantle during his first spring with the Yankees. There was no more talented baseball player in history, God Mickey Mantle ruled. I have read a bunch of books about Mantle and he is by far my favorite all-time Yankee. My next acquisitions will be a home Mantle jersey and a road Billy Martin. So far I have a sweet visitor's Babe Ruth and an autographed Yogi home.

I am now at an age I always thought I'd never reach growing up. Let me tell you melodramatic youth, for the most part you get to be 30. 30 is an age where you should have achieved something and your 'when I grow up' has happened. I guess I could be doing worse; I've been practicing law 5 years, I have a pretty good job and interest from numerous parties for other good opportunities. I'm married to a woman cooler and hotter than I ever thought I would land, I can buy what I want when I want it, and soon I'll be able to buy a house somewhere and begin spawning. It could be a lot worse, that's for sure. I guess I made 'something' of myself, something being the operative word.

Another year, inevitably, irrevocably...

Old Man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you were

2006-12-29T01:22:00.000-04:00

As my 20s wane faster than my hairline, I confront the idea that my irresponsible days are pretty much over.

I haven't been living particularly dangerously or irresponsibly, particularly relative to some of my contemporaries, but it's still frightening to stare this 'life' in the face. 'When I grow up' has happened, in a few years the base framework for my adult years will be in place. It could be worse, I could be some douche sucking off his parents at 30, but still, it's some frightening shit.

This 'vacation' has been extremely hectic -- divorced parents, in-laws, and out-of-town-brother-in-town made for a host of activities and today was the first day where I wasn't trekking here or there. My brother's pals threw him a going away party in my apartment last night and I couldn't get rid of those bums until about noon today. One of his buddies came through with a gang of Blue Label which I appreciated, and we wii'd it up until about 3 in the morning. Good times and another reminder of how old I'm getting -- his friends, who were always punk kids to me, aren't 'just out of college' kids anymore but do things like buy Blue Label, get married, form companies...ugh.

I have some interesting irons in the career fire that have also kept me busy over the break. 07 could be a big year for the Alchemist, stay tuned. Country boy Alchemist may be out in his natural environs, surrounded by trees far from jappy Manhattanites. Country road, take me home to the place I belong.

Watched V for Vendetta today; as a huge fan of Alan Moore I was interested to see how it came out. As a movie I thought it was pretty good, if not nearly as well done as Sin City, but plot-wise I have to agree with Moore that they turned his kickass story into a ghey parable about current U.S. politics. As Alan Moore said, if the Wachowski brothers want to be gutsy, let them set their allegory about U.S. politics in the U.S. Go put on a dress, Wachowski transexual douchebags. Hugo Weaving is my boy though, and Portman was gorgeous while she had her hair.

Used some holiday cash to get the new Moore book he did with his fiancee, Lost Girls, which I've heard great things about. Also picked up the Sandman anthology from my BOY Neil Gaiman. Neil Gaiman is the shit and if you don't read Neil Gaiman you're a total chump. If you don't read Moorcock or Robert Howard, you're a total chump. Like what I like or suffer my epic scorn!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2006-12-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

Christmas has come and gone, and I lie in bed this morning sated.

I was still really sick over the weekend -- this sinus infection I've been fighting for a week or so had worsened. My personal physician prescribed some new variation of Zithromax, which is mixed in liquid and taken in a single dose. If you have IBS with constipation, I recommend using this strong antibiotic as a zelnorm substitute. If, like me, you have no ass problems, I recommend not taking it. Christmas Eve at the in-laws, I must have crapped 12-15 times. My gut was in agony. I was so washed out by night time that even my wife's awful aunt felt bad for me.

As usual scored a huge volume of gifts from the in-laws -- mucho cash with a written admonition that the cash was only to be spent on something I wanted (big), a sweatsuit that reads 'Donny's Dog Walker' across the back, boxing robe style, and a bunch of other awesome clothes and schwag. Probably my fave amongst the 2 massive bags of gifts just for me was the book "The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy's Dossier on Hillary Clinton." Just reading the opening footnotes had me gasping with laughter -- the amount of dirt on this woman is staggering. STAGGERING. I will blog at length on her highlights (or more aptly, lowlights) after I've read it.

Yesterday, my assnova had abated and we headed north to Christmas with my family. Christmas was pretty good -- the highlight was my brother-in-law, who is a real gem and has in past introduced me to the greatness of George RR Martin, gifting me with a remote controlled helicopter that flies around inside the house. It's fantastic, I have been piloting it all over the house and Donny is chasing it like a madman. Other hilarious news was that my theater dork cousin has a song about her on YouTube by one of her massively ghey theater pals. The whole family was singing her song as she turned beet red and hung her head. HANG YOUR HEAD, STUPID!

I am off work this week but of course have a ton of travelling and bullshit to do. Annoying. Merry Christmas to all.

Busy Busy

2006-12-22T01:51:00.000-04:00

The Alchemist has been away. The Alchemist is sick. I'm definitely calling in to work sick tomorrow.

Took some meetings with big wheels at the cracker factory this week -- literally. The Alchemist may be out of the firm game sometime very soon -- far from a sure thing, but interesting irons are in the fire.

My dog is awesome. Boy am I sick. I can't sleep because I can't swallow. Fuck you, illness.

If you are a beauty queen, don't do this. You might lose your title. You might also become a close friend of mine say, around 12:56 on a Thursday night.

The NY Times is once again proving to be one of the most contemptible entities in America, 'defending' us by publishing secret reports re: vulnerabilities of the PATH train system my wife takes to work every day. I wish Al Qaeda would blow up a bomb in the NYT newsroom killing all of those fucking assholes. Just as they were 'helping' by exposing that 'privacy violating' CIA operation tracking terrorist money. God I wish they would all catch horrendous brain tumors.

The NY Slimes ilk hate America, they hate the military, they hate anybody who isn't a foodie faggot who parrots their line of bullshit. People who live in Manhattan are ubiquitously awful. The only people in the boroughs I can tolerate are the Brooklyn italians, the rest of you fucking sheep are going to sophisticate us right into our graves. Beat islamists with crowbars say I. Drive the disease from our country.

FUCK YOU, NEW YORK TIMES, THANKS FOR NOTHING.

I have been on a hardcore John Denver kick lately. Don't FUCK with John Denver. He was the man. The new Nas album is also fantastic. To paraphrase, I'm on my second marriage, TV's my first wifey.

APOCALYPTO

2006-12-10T23:39:00.000-04:00

4 stars out of 4. Fantastic movie -- perfectly executed, great pace, great story, awesome visuals. I will not allow a group of haters to push this genius out of the filmmaking business. I'll support every Icon Productions movie that comes out if that's what it takes -- it's not like Mel makes any bad ones. The frame-up by this angry cop, who pulls over the EVIL Mel Gibson for daring to make a movie identically mirroring the religious scripture of 95% of this nation, engages him in angry discourse, then drops a dime on him to TMZ immediately thereafter. It's no wonder this scumbag cop is under investigation.

Regardless, the movie made me forget entirely that my day was spoiled -- the wife and I were on our way out to the Liberty City Animal Shelter to donate a dog crate our puppy has outgrown, some food we had bought (before changing his food) and about 300 wee-wee pads when my car started pulling left -- flat tire. Ack. Drove to Sears at the Jersey City mall and took in Apocalypto to kill the time. The abandoned dogs of Hudson County will have to wait until next weekend thanks to the cocksucking construction jerks who left a nail in my parking deck for me to drive over.

There were GREAT previews at the movie -- a sweet looking Julianne Moore / Clive Owen movie about the premise that all women on earth become infertile (great idea, though the execution looked iffy in the preview) and most importantly 300. Anyone who's read that Frank Miller comic knows how badass this movie is going to be. Essentially it's the story of 300 Spartans dropping the hammer on an enormous army. The Athenians stink, I have always represented for Sparta. It tells you everything you need to know about the Greeks that they deify these Athenian boyrapers while crapping on the most gangsta army of that era. Stavros should get with the real and turn on Crito, Socrates, and any other 'philosopher' who bungdiggled 10 year olds.

BC threw it down on Maryland tonight -- Al Skinner is the man. If we could get rid of that MORON Oates and my most hated basketball player in BC History, Sean Marshall, things would be great. I'm reading good things about BC's search for a new football coach -- I've hated our AD a long time but now that I've realized this genius not only forced out an unfireable (but losing) coach and his interviewing list is pretty good, I'm on board.

Christmas tree is up, in the office, so my dog will have less opportunity to eat it or break ornaments. He is such a good boy, he's learned to literally crap into the sewer -- pees right when we get out of the house, and squats over the sewer for me. God I love that dog. I should release his Christmas card picture here, because it's phenomenal, but true Alchemist confidantes will have to wait for the card in the mail -- should be arriving end of this week / early next week.

PRAISE JESUS

2006-12-07T00:45:00.000-04:00

The most overrated coach in NCAA history has left BC.

We didn't Fire Tom O'Brien, but we refused to raise his salary to get rid of him. Best of all, he's in our division now and we can piss on Opie every year. God I hate Tom O'Brien. Thank GOD. THANK GOD.

The Waiting is the Hard Part

2006-12-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

The latest 500 meg WoW patch is taking way too long to install. I could be slaying suckers right mother-fucking NOW! Pwning is a serious addiction. Anyone who's considered him or herself a serious gamer has known the strong satisfaction of trumping foes. If you seek true fulfillment, come test your steel in the World of Warcraft. The new WoW commercials breaking on tv are fantastic -- the one with Peter from Office Space breaks me up.

The first of way too many Christmas Party events tomorrow night with my wife. Christmas parties drain my soul.

My brother will be front row this weekend at a U2 / Pearl Jam concert in Aloha Stadium. The kid is not doing too bad for himself, stolen motorcycle notwithstanding. Maybe someday I will have some fucking balls and just move to Hawaii. Fuck you, intertia.

Had a spirited e-mail exchange with Stavros and the Chairman of the Board re: the Yankees re-signing Pettitte today. He's had 2 years with less than 130 IP over the last 4, and was 14-13 with a 4.2 in the NL last year. I worry about his arm but more than that I worry about his commitment. If AP wants to come back and pitch, I don't doubt he can do so. All the Power for Living bullshit is what scares me. I need to see some desire out of AP. I've been very angry at my former favorite Yankee pitcher since he left to be a gaywad in Texas and take steroids with the Cocket. We'll see what happens.

Sorry, I'm a Champion

2006-12-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

The new Jay Z album is excellent. No surprises there, you expect Mantle to hit 50 home runs. Still, it's 50 home runs. I could have done without the Katrina bullshit though. I hate the ungrateful Katrina 'victims.' You know, the ones who owned no property and largely lived in tax subsidized housing and walk around as if anyone with a fucking job sent the hurricane to hit them. Fuck you, Katrina thugs. I feel bad for the people on the Gulf coast, people with jobs who lost homes etc. I feel bad for law abiding people in Houston who are overrun by scum with their hands out. God sent that hurricane to clean you lazy fucks up. I also love that Jay Z plays clips of blatant lies that the out of his mind police chief was saying that are 100% factually untrue. Doesn't stop Jigga man from playing them as if they were facts. Fucking morons.

I'm exhausted from the weekend -- lips are chapped down to the bone. We had a strong Giants tailgate and stayed true through Ice Station Zebra conditions, and our fidelity was rewarded with a parching mouthful of bitter ashes. I will write no more on the Giants.

My back and hips are in pain -- my seats are on the aisle and an overpissing row means 75-100 stand/sits per game. Even rougher in frigid conditions. HOLD YOUR PISS assholes.

Donny is growing with alarming speed. Probably up to about 35 pounds right now I'd guess but more than mass, his skeleton is getting larger and you can see him shedding his puppy awkwardness. This is disturbing because he's an athlete and today was standing up, feet on the counter, snout right next to me while I put milk on my Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Get the fuck off my Koolaid Donny, that's MY cereal guy. Vigilance against dog aggression is a must, at 4 months he really begins testing /challenging in his adolescence to ascertain his position in the pack. I'll be God damned if he takes my crown.

Donny went to the dog park Sunday AM and that is the last time I'm doing that until my dog's 100 lb. He's not a chihuahua, but he is not a big dog and isn't even 4 mos old. Some cunt had her spastic, clearly out of control dog running around and had no control over him. Couldn't call him, couldn't control him, and he was attacking (with bad intent) my dog and another little bulldog puppy. When a dog yips and is on his back, a non-evil dog lets go. My trainer has taught me that only an inherently bad dog will attack ap uppy. As my dog was consistently attacked I tired of listening to her call her dog impotently instead of stepping in and grabbed the motherfucker and threw him off my dog as hard as I could.

The cunt, as I grabbed her queer dog, said "Yes, that's good, grab him..." and trailed off in mid-thanks as she saw me throw the little bitch hard to the ground. If my dog is yelping and yours is twice as big and biting him, if you don't move I'm going to hurt your dog. This is my vow. Bernie Mac can't wait to kick a kid's ass, and I cannot WAIT to kick a dog's ass. The park is on notice, I'll kick your fucking dog right in the ribs. The woman had her indignation up for a moment until she saw blood on her dog and realized it wasn't her dog's blood. I think it was from Donny's mouth -- he's teething and has lost a bunch of teeth and bleeds sometimes when he chews but I made no mention and said "maybe you should be careful with your dog if he's drawing blood from the puppies." The humiliation that radiated out of her black heart was almost as sweet as a glassfull of Scott Tenorman's tears.

The dog park makes me worry for my temper in child rearing, not with my own idiot children but with bad parents and bad seed children. I can't be anyplace remotely jappy or I'm going to just smash some cocksucker in the face. People are so universally terrible, I know why every religion with anything approaching a reasonable ethos prognosticates the end of the world.

Longtime Alchemist fans will be pleased to note he got a VERY nice Christmas card from the Spider today with a touching message. The Alchemist is missed, and whether or not she could convey it while he labored in the salt mines, the Spider saw his talents. Saw and appreciated. Bless the Spider, Merry Christmas.

Got an indication that I'll be getting a very promising review down at the factory. This is marginally good news; I don't want to be put in the position of having to leave money on the table and walk away. At a certain point, I find myself pondering Wallace's question -- what will you do without freedom?

The Alchemist Gets a Massage

2006-11-30T23:58:00.000-04:00

I am sated.

Had a great 90 minute massage tonight; finally cashed in the GC my wife gave me for my birthday. Every time I get a massage I'm reminded I should get one every month. Henceforth, I get a massage every month. Take it to the bank.

Enjoyed hot stone, some deep tissue, some swedish, delicious. The masseusse really beat the crap out of my shoulders and ass and did a fantastic job with head / neck work and some great reflex moves.

Boy am I going to sleep tonight.

My Dog Rulz

2006-11-29T23:16:00.000-04:00

Another night of obedience class with Donny. We've made some good pals at obedience class, including Ralph the fat and disobedient french bulldog, Bama the golden retriever, and Blue, a fantastic Australian herding dog.

Bama's grandma (from Birmingham, ironically enough) was at class today and immediately on walking into the room said "Oh my god you were right, oh that black puppy!" My dog is so hustling that one of my classmates had told her mom about the velvety soft black puppy. Donny is a celebrity, people get excited to meet him sight unseen.

Red Heather said I would say my dog was the best as soon as I got him and you're damn right he's the best. My dog crushes your dog in Q rating, he tests through the roof. Friend to all, good natured, sweet, smart, but mischievous enough to crack me up. He is only 14 weeks and is probably in the top third of obedience class with dogs as old as 9 months. Take that!

Here is a picture of Donny for the Alchemist fans who don't have invites to Donal's private blog. He's probably about 32 pounds now, he's almost tripled in size in the 2.5 months we've had him. I didn't think he'd grown much until I was looking at his puppy pictures today, his limbs and skeleton have at least doubled in size. I love my Donny.

True Love

2006-11-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

There are a number of true loves in my life, aside from my first and foremost (Mrs. A).

One is my fantastic dog Donny, who went on a long walk today and pulled maybe one time, ate 0 cigarette butts, and heeled the entire way.

Another is Nintendo Wii. If you don't have Nintendo Wii, do yourself a favor and get it ASAP. I played about 4.5 hours of Zelda today and it seemed like 5 minutes. The game is that good, the system is that intuitive, the future is now.

Thanks

2006-11-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

On this most slothful of holidays, the Alchemist gives thanks.

Thanks for my wife, a best friend who puts up with my tomfoolery and rocks in the sack.

Thanks for my labrador/bernese mix Donny, 28 pounds and 14 weeks of good-natured exuberance.

Thanks for my Nintendo Wii and resulting case of carpal tunnel.

Thanks for a job that pays me well to sit in a chair.

Thanks for my comfortable home.

Thanks Gary Dell'Abate for pronouncing Machine 'Mac Hine' during an IQ test and making me laugh my face off for the last month.

Thanks to Tom O'Brien for shooting BC in the foot yet again with your piss-poor coaching.

Thanks for the relative good health of my friends and family and that they are alive.

Thanks for my unstoppable Warlock and his new Epic Mount and Dreadmist Robe (+20 stamina and +18 spell damage, eat that).

God Bless America.

Wii

2006-11-21T01:19:00.000-04:00

If you don't have Nintendo Wii, you are such a fucking loser I'm ashamed to have you reading my blog.

Got home around 7:30, having run into my ailing father in law and escorted him through the city subways. I am such a class act.

Wii setup took a bit of time -- wireless internet issues and uncalled for bitching at my wife ensued. Soon, however, I had remedied the issues and the Wii was up and running.

This system utterly changes the way you play video games. That's all I'll say about it. The controller, which I'd originally said I couldn't see using, is intuitive, engaging, and instantly makes all sorts of new things possible. Try playing madden, dropping back to pass, and literally throwing the ball high for Plax. You want to leave it up? Gingerly angle your arm up and loft a rainbow.

I took 3 tumors out of some guy's pancreas on Trauma Surgeon just now, spinning stuff, using clamps, draining blood. Awesome.

I hurt my bad shoulder playing with my dog the other day and was feeling it when I was boxing. That's right, I am exhausted and muscularly sore from a few rounds of boxing. You try shadowboxing for 10 minutes and see how your arms feel.

These jap geniuses have solved part of the obesity and conditioning problem in America. Wii is the future. Wii is the way.

Hi from UBRS

2006-11-17T00:50:00.000-04:00

Those who have seen the Leroy Jenkins Youtube classic will recognize the dragonkin room from Upper Blackrock Spire.

That's right, Calibos and his succubus in the house in the most famous room in all of WoW. I made sure to throw on my red felt hat in tribute to the King of Pop Rock and Soul's appearante at the World Music Awards.

New Blogger Interface

2006-11-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

I downloaded the new Blogger Interface. Apparently I have had to approve comments for some reason and some other comments didn't get up. Mr Ruggles, I was not filtering you, I didn't realize I even had to approve comments until I checked the Alchemist GMail account for the first time in months.

The title of this post was supposed to be "I fucking hate anorexic chicks" but the new blogger Interface just distracted me. Back on-topic. Just got done watching the HBO America Undercover 'Thin.' There are no people on earth I have less sympathy for than anorexics. I just want to go to an eating disorder clinic and start SCREAMING at these hos. "You don't fool me bitch, if you wanted to be dead you'd be dead. Stop torturing your family, you wanted attention, you GOT ATTENTION BIZZO NOW EAT THIS FUCKING SANDWICH!!!!" The drama when they're 'restricting' (not eating,) the crying about having to drink some fucking Ensure. I will take these hos to meet the Boys of Sudan and give them something the fuck to cry ABOUT.

I had to hang up on Stavros during a hot stove convo this afternoon due to work so I will say this here -- the Yankees did well to get some possibly talented young arms for Sheff and that Pussy Toad Jaret Wright. Our rotation next year is a real enigma -- if Carl Pavano does ANYTHING besides show up to Yankee Stadium and pitch lights out every 5th day he is in mortal peril. Get out of New York Carl Pavano before something very, very bad happens to you.

My fucking dog has to get up to crap at 5 AM every morning. Luckily my long suffering wife is in charge of morning care and I do the night walk. Hopefully this new food will inspire him to sleep til 6 -- I just think it may be that he's only 13 weeks old and his ass-capacity isn't quite there yet. Tomorrow night we start Obedience Class and we'll see how the young one holds up.

I'm exhausted. Bed.

Congratulations Lovey and Thurston Howell

2006-11-12T17:55:00.000-04:00

Still recovering from a banner wedding last evening at the Metropolitan Club for Lovey and Thurston Howell. The wedding came off impeccably as I knew it would;Lovey is a genius of organization and seeing to the needs of others.

I was more than a little farklempt at numerous moments during the wedding. I'm not making this up. It got dusty when the bride came down the aisle and when her dad gave probably the best wedding speech I've heard. Thankfully, Lovey's chief Gay was crying like a madman at the drop of a hat so his displays were a welcome distraction and levity-break from such emotion. I am a hard man but Lovey Howell has been one of the truest friends I've known, if not the truest, and deserves happiness in her life. Miraculously she found probably the top spouse on the market and to them I say mazel mazel, good things good things. All of this was said more eloquently by the Father of the Bride and the Groom and the Best Man as well as the Maids of Honor and rather than reinventing the wheel I'll just say that I completely concur.

I salute Thurston for selecting the greatest ally anyone could have in life as his partner. Few people regularly make me laugh, even fewer can understand the bizzarre and insane nature of the Alchemist but Lovey does. She has gone to the mat for me more times than anyone, she found me my wife and helped me to woo her. When you are Lovey's friend she will do everything she can to get you what you want and, thankfully, now she has what SHE wants. As we say in the Warcraft game, GRATS to the Howells. One of my favorite couples, ever.

Lovey seated me at her table along with a fantastic couple that she said I would like since they are funny and don't like anybody. Boy was she right, we had a ball watching this girl and her boyfriend doing the cheesiest dancing I've ever seen. The dude was touching her face, I thought I even saw a Batusi come out. It wasn't 'I'm dancing like a jackass to let it all hang out, but I realize I'm being a jackass' (my normal style) but the dude was narrowing his eyes sensually, tongue kissing was going on, just too much. We were also nearly taken out when some 400 lb battleship of a woman almost reeled into our table during the Hora; after that near miss she proceeded to eat it right in the middle of the dance floor. Phenomenal.

My sole complaint is that Lovey, who spurned her jewish ethnicity save in breaking of a glass (which is cool) and the Hora (which is hilarious) failed to go up in a chair. "No good comes of people going up in a chair" said Lovey, and she was right, but it's hilarious when it goes bad. The hora was supposed to be 30 seconds but went on for like 8 minutes until Lovey's dad cut off the band, likely because he thought someone might literally hora themself to death. As my boy at the table said, 'you get that clarinet going, jews come running in off the street.' Jews (and the Alchemist) LOVE the Hora. I was trying to Hora but it got so deep on the dance floor I feared I would be smothered to death and retreated to a safe position to take in the levity. I am formally requesting the hora at my next function, or at least the tarantella. Either/or. But the dancing cannot start until everyone is so bombed that at least 1 (and hopefully more) people eat it onto the ground.

The food at the wedding was, as with everything Howell, top shelf, including White Castle hamburgers and other kickass fare. The lobster appetizer was awesome and the desserts kicked me in the ass. I give the wedding 10 out of 10.

Lovey had a kickass karaoke jam afterparty planned with buses taking everyone there to listen to her 'face melting rock' as she described it, but I regrettably had to get home since my new dog really can't hold it for that long and our walker had come at 8. It's probably a good thing we had to leave at 12:30 and didn't go to the second party because when I got to the Lincoln they had a huge drunk driving sting going on with the 4 entrance lanes to the tunnel narrowed to one and about 50 cops checking every third car. Being a proud vanilla face, I was waved right through the checkpoint as I shouted "GIVE ME A MINT MRS A GOD DAMNIT!" The NYPD and PAPD can suck my ass.

Woke up today hungover as all hell and went to see Borat. Go see Borat, it's a great film.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

2006-11-09T23:56:00.000-04:00

Got in on the Wii pre-order fun today. Was able to order a Nintendo Wii by buying a rather large bundle from Gamestop. I won't have to freeze myself while I wait for Nintendo Wii to arrive.

The bundle includes a lot of games I'd have wanted anyway (Zelda, the sword game, and some others) and, most importantly, will get me a Wii before Christmas. For those who are too lame to know, Nintendo's releasing a new console which is based on a revolutionary controller. With wii, when you wield the master sword as Link you literally swing the controller through the air. When I play Wii Sports tennis, I'll swing the remote like a racket. Awesome.

Picard and I have been following Wii news closely while many slept. The Gamestop pre-order was to start at 'some point this evening' but had no designated time. I was just getting into a UBRS run in Burning Steppes when Picard called and I was sure immediately what the call meant; I ran from the PC with my Ventrilo headset on and almost wiped out. Still, all ended well and I've got a Wii coming to me.

The vast majority of Wii games allow for cooperative or competitive play against others via the 'net; Wii has on-board wifi connectivity. Via the same net connect, you can download EVERY NINTENDO GAME OF ALL TIME. Any game you liked on Nintendo, or SNES, or N64...instantly available. RBI baseball, bases loaded...the list goes on. Eat it, hataz.

Sweet, Sweet Dreadsteed

2006-11-09T02:45:00.000-04:00

It's 1:43. My dog will wake me up in only 4 hours.

But I am only 1 step away from my epic mount, the fabled Dreadsteed. 100% movement speed increase. W00t.

What an epic battle we fought in Scholomance. They will sing songs of the valor of my guildmates for years to come.

Cantankerous Alchemist is BACK

2006-11-08T23:31:00.000-04:00

Like the McRib, my shenanigans have reared their head again.

I left work around 7, and I could have stayed for another 3 hours and not gotten close to done. The work just keeps pouring in.

I made my way to the PA and found my bus almost full and climbed aboard. It was the bus driver I've named Dottie, for he sports the BIG red dot -- at least 1.5 inches in circumference. This fuck wears a short sleeved shirt and keeps the bus approximately 87 degrees so he can feel like he's in his favorite habitat. Meanwhile, we commuters burdened with rain coats cook. Those of us blessed with a coat of black wolfhound fur under our coats sweat. It's uncalled for. I have dueled with this cocksucker for weeks and as I've learned to do used my pre-emptive 'do you mind putting on the air conditioning?' demand as I entered the bus. I don't walk to my seat until he agrees or puts it on. He complies, having heard me shout from the back of the bus too many times. Victory.

There are approximately 4 seats left, and the woman I will call for purposes of this post GlamourDyke is my target. I have done business with this asshole before. She's one of the lesbians who will make the barest of concessions to female norms -- she has long hair, but keeps it looking like shit; she doesn't wear makeup but doesn't have the balls to butch it up all the way. I saw her with her wife once, who is a throwback dyke and rocks a short hair and bolo ties. Her wife has some stones. I get along with most lesbians, but the pretentious manhatting ones should be pushed into a ditch and executed. Glamourdyke is such a bitch.

GlamourDyke is sitting in my favorite row, which has extra legroom, and despite the bus having almost no seats left, has put her wet umbrella on the seat next to her and buried her nose in the Jersey Journal she has with her to avoid eye contact from people who need a seat. That move is so fucking transparent -- I can see pulling that bullshit on the Metro North where a large number of seats are unoccupied on certain trains, but this bus is standing room every night and a regular rider like GlamourDyke knows as much. Some of my fellow riders are pussies, and I've watched in outrage as this move has forced them to stand, disgusted, while assholes like GlamourDyke ride in their personal row.

Putting a wet umbrella on a seat during rush hour is a cunt move of all cunt moves, the day has been really fucking long, and now the only remaining seat not in the last row (which I can't sit in as, due to its proximity to the engine of the bus, its seats are about 15 degrees above room temperature) is soaked. Unfortunately for this woman, I was wearing a knee length wax jacket. FUCK YOU, cunt. "Excuse me, do you mind moving your umbrella?" I intone in the most sarcastic, contemptuous tone I can muster. GlamourDyke feels put upon and makes a huge production of moving the plastic grocery bag that masquerades as her purse, in which she stockpiles the free newspapers that are the calling card of her ilk. If you read the Metro or AM New York, somebody should just shoot you in the face and do us all a favor. No one of any value reads these rags.

The bitch plays the 'space game' with me but as anyone who has had the misfortune of sitting with me at a sporting event knows, my hulking shoulders take up a lot of room. She's opening her newspaper, gatefold style, such that it's hanging in front of me, her hand aligned with my left nipple about 6 inches off my chest. Yeah fucking right, I shut that shit right down, pulling out the 10 pound Gormenghast and banging her arm from in front of me hard enough that she tries to give me a look. I glare into her ugly face, that's right cunt, a MAN, the most vile species on earth, is refusing your attempt at dominance. Get the fuck out of here rat face!

Rat face is cowed and we're pulling into the tunnel. I pull out my blackberry only to find that for hte second day in a row it has failed to sync and is telling me I have 138 unread e-mails. It's depressing to realize how many e-mails I get in a day. Today, 138, probably 40 social. 98 work e-mails. Puke. I begin the arduous process of opening each message on my device so that I'll be able to tell when I've gotten new mail. What a pain in the ass. I'm at about 15 messages when the bus pulls up to my stop and I realize as the doors are beginning to close I have to get off. I sprint off, the berry in one hand, my 10 lb book in the other, briefcase clutched in teeth, to find it's pouring rain. I am standing on the sidewalk awkwardly attempting to get my book in the bag, holster my blackberry, pull out my umbrella, and un-velcro it open as the deluge soaks me and some DOUCHEBAG decides to show me that HE runs the sidewalk and shoulders into me.

You know the move. Someone just says 'I'm not going to move' and walks into you. The Alchemist has had enough, his assailant is a fat guy with a shaved head, about 6-4 260, but one of those big hulks who you just know can't kick his way out of a wet paper bag and is just a big fat goon. "Fat AND bald? You MUST be a badass" shouts the Alchemist, as his assessment of this charlatan is confirmed by his failure to take the bait. He has no umbrella and, in an attempt to save face, given that he's walking away from this insult, lights a cigarette. "AND YOU SMOKE?!?!?" rants our hero, "It's a miracle you don't have your own action movie franchise you fat fuck."

I trudge home, get on the elevator, only to have Fat Kojak step into it just as the door is closing. That's right, he lives on the third floor of my building. However, Fat Kojak fails to meet my glare and pretends nothing has happened on the elevator. Fucking douchebag. Fuck you, Fat Kojak, the next time you get off the elevator I will hold the door and hope your apartment is in view of the elevator bank. Once I find out where you live, you're really fucked you cocksucker.

The Best of Sal

2006-10-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Listening to Sal roast Gary again on Stern replay as we speak in a bid to last past 10:30. Some highlights:

"We're not supposed to talk about Gary's gay brother who died from AIDS. Well you should have thought about that before you BIT HIM, that's how you get AIDS, MONKEYBITES!"

"If God knew your brother was going to suck dicks, he would have given HIM those lips."

"Beer League and Beth have a lot in common, no matter how much Howard plugs them NOBODY comes."

Bob Levy:

"Let's hear it for Lisa Lampanelli, she's been pounded by more black guys than a railroad spike."

Lisa Lampanelli:

"What a great dais I'm on, it looks like a casting call for Mask II. If I was going to fuck the ugly one, I'd have to pull a train."

Roasts are the best.

Randomness

2006-10-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

Dog parenting is taking it out of me. Waking up with him, watching him all the time, making sure he doesn't get into trouble and all that other good stuff is exhausting. My body clock has been forced, through animal influence, into human normalcy -- when the sun goes down, I get tired. When the sun comes up, chances are I'm standing over my dog waiting for him to pee or crap.

I don't care, my dog is awesome.

Random topics:

BC is in the driver's seat for the ACC Championship Game. Somehow, despite our having beaten Clemson and each of us having one loss we were ranked 8 slots below them (and our loss came on a freak last-play-of-the-game idiocy, brought courtesy of our brainded DC). All we need to do is take care of business against Maryland and Wake Forest and we go to the Championship Game and, at worst, the Gator Bowl. Can Tom O'Brien fuck things up? Somehow I have a sinking terror that the next time they play the Dropkick Murphys 'For Boston' the Inflatable Eagle will NOT be dancing happily.

The Giants are kicking huge ass. I am glad I stuck with them, unlike Picard who cursed them and declared them 'done' and refused to go to the Skins game. Now that they are back he is talking up his having season tickets. He needs to stop turning on the Giants after we play the hardest 3 game open I could have imagined. Since my wife bought her Plax jersey the man has been en fuego.

Flavor of Love, and the reunion show, were the best reality show of 2006 by a mile. I know my reality tv. Don't miss out.

The Gary Roast on Howard 100 was phenomenal, especially when Sal the Stockbroker took it to Beth O, who DOES look like a horse. About time somebody slammed that thoroughbred.

Review: The Departed

2006-10-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

This weekend my wife and I took our first dog-less date in 2 weeks, leaving baby Donnie to fend for himself and heading out to see The Departed.

The movie gets 2.5-3 stars out of 4 from me. This is a good rating; however the last 30-45 minutes of the movie were terrible. Nicholson gives a good performance and DiCaprio is great. I've said for a long time that I have no problem with DiCaprio, the guy is a great actor. Gilbert Grape and This Boy's Life, classic performances. I was telling TEK as we discussed the movie that I had no issue with Titanic either. All you Titanic haters need to shut up.

Alec Baldwin steals every scene he's in as he's wont to do. The guy, for all my issues with his politics, is a fantastic actor. Nobody can make you laugh like Baldwin, I may have to pick up 30 Rock to support him and Tracy Morgan (though that cunt Tina Fey is so condescending and arrogant I just don't think I can do it).

Positives: Nicholson, DiCaprio, dialogue.

Negatives: story, ending, Marky Mark.

Marky Mark gets some of the best lines in the movie signed, sealed, delivered to him but his delivery is just too forced and crappy. I've never seen Wahlberg in a movie where he didn't sound like Brock Landers delivering a line. That is why he was so great as Dirk Diggler -- the whole part was about acting poorly, sounding unsure of oneself -- Dirk was constantly trying to 'play a part' and you never forget Marky Mark is. Some of his lines hit pretty well, but they would have been out of the park were they delivered by a good actor.

The ending of this movie is about as cheesey as anything I've seen. The people who have talked about this film being as good as (and in a few cases I've heard) better than Goodfellas are mooooooooorons. Of course the main proponents of this opinion were Boston douchebags.

The character actors in the movie are also sub-standard. Give me a Carbone or Billy Batts every day of the week. It's not as good as Gangs of NY or Goodfellas or Raging Bull or about 5 other Marty movies for that matter, but you should see it anyway.

Busy Busy

2006-10-20T20:49:00.000-04:00

I have not been that active a blogger lately because I have a new best friend, my dog Donal (or Donnie).

He is a real handful but is totally worthwhile. Dealing with a 9 week old dog who can't understand 'no' can be trying, but he's gorgeous, kind, and kicks ass. Select fans have the link to HIS blog where his many handsome photos are on display.

The Mets got knocked out of the playoffs and David Wright played like a total chump. I hope the Mets fans who have killed A-Rod with a sort of glee remember that 'their Jeter' hit .160. Man what a flop!! I had a good call with TEK where I did nothing but offer support as he showed real class when the Yanks were knocked out this year. Other Mets fans, the jealous insecure types like Craig Michael and BFK Jr. were not so lucky. I told those fucks what time it was. Talking trash before the NLCS against the losingest team in the playoffs is a MISTAKE Craig Michael. Your hubris cost the Mets.

My boy Wesley Snipes is on the run in Africa from the tax man. Boy do I hear you Wesley. Every year I take a worse beating from the fucking tax man. I read a great article in Fortune some time ago which basically proved, in dollars and cents, that if you earn less than $40,000 a year, you are not contributing to our tax base. You take more in federal, local, and state costs than you contribute. So for those of you chumps out there (less our fighting men and women) making less than 40 k, salute me next time you drive on a road or enjoy national defense, you welfare motherfuckers. Nancy Pelosi is going to attack Wesley when he gets off the plane, screaming "I'VE SEEN YOU KILL TOO MANY PEOOOOPLE NINOOOOOOO." I hope Snipes dumps champagne on her and says "Get rid of that bitch, I'll buy another one." I recommend that the Daywalker seek out Willie Nelson and learn of the true evils of the taxman.

No major developments to speak on. I challenged TEK to a writing duel today, ha, writing duels. I was born to fight writing duels. BRING ME A CHALLENGER FOR A WRITING DUEL DAMNIT!

Dont MESS With Joe Torre

2006-10-12T00:11:00.000-04:00

Picard broke the news that Lidle was flying the plane and I must say I did not handle the revelation with class. My actual reaction was laughter followed immediately by hopes that Randy Johnson was the copilot.

I am pretty sure I horrified some colleagues when I was semi-guffawing over this tragedy in relaying news that it was Lidle. But I'm sorry, the guy was a middling pitcher and threw his teammates and the management under the bus after the series. Not that I don't think everyone sucked, but that guy...come on. Mike and the Dog came on Monday and just LAID INTO Lidle. I think I may have let them color me; when they are throwing rocks at someone it's easy to get sucked in. But still, Lidle had it coming with his comments. As Mike said, "Just go away." Lidle was unfortunately only too happy to oblige.

He would have been traded or released or what have you so it's not a big Yankee loss, I hope they don't make a huge deal out of it and wear his number on their jerseys all year because he was not a 'true Yankee' to guys like George and I. I still wager they'll make a huge deal out of it.

Hilariously, when I talked to TEK, who had been home from work Monday listening to the same Mike and the Dog I heard, he too thought Lidle killed himself. They were killing him that much on 660. Now that I've really absorbed it and the reality of what happened has set in I have to send condolences and prayers out to his family and friends. The number of people lining up to say what a dick I was and gloat if/when I die will be blocks and blocks long. I aint mad at you Cory. As the son of a prolific recreational pilot who has logged over 100 hrs on the yoke, I salute you. Still, I could fly IFR rings around you and your instructor. They had no business at that altitude that close to NYC, so I think something was very wrong -- maybe trying to set it down in the river or along the FDR after some sort of control failure. Going to be tough to say, though you'd think in that circumstance they'd have been on radio ASAP letting SOMEBODY know of this huge failure.

The Breakup

2006-10-08T21:28:00.000-04:00

This is terrible. Firing Torre is like a bad breakup. I was just scrolling through ESPN and had a feeling of regret and longing that to this point I have only experienced when breaking up with a girlfriend -- all the nostalgia and good times and good will you have towards someone rush out of nowhere and you just want to cry at the hard choices forced upon you. The best sports moments of my life have all involved Torre. How can we fire Torre? Looking at these pictures of him and his being forced out on the front page of ESPN just feels tacky and terrible. Joe deserved a better exit. I have had as much issue with him as anybody but FUCKING A ROD AND THE GIAMBINO AND THAT FUCK SHEFF certainly could have made this less of an issue. I'm nauseous.

I am going to stop thinking about baseball and go into denial mode for a while. It's just too raw and painful right now. My dog gets here on Thursday, I set up his crate today, have his toys lined up, our dog-sitter / dog-walker is coming to meet us tomorrow. Yesterday night I set up a baby gate such that he can have the run of my kitchen, where I'll throw down some papers for him and put his travel crate to ease his transition to the apartment. Think positive.

Gospel from the Top

2006-10-08T20:54:00.000-04:00

Amidst swirling speculation that the Phantom of the Opera is dunzo comes this perfect quote from the best owner in sports:

"I am deeply disappointed at our being eliminated so early in the playoffs," Steinbrenner said in the statement, issued by spokesman Howard Rubenstein. "This result is absolutely not acceptable to me nor to our great and loyal Yankee fans. I want to congratulate the Detroit Tigers organization and wish them well. Rest assured, we will go back to work immediately and try to right this sad failure and provide a championship for the Yankees, as is our goal every year."

George cares and so do I. Blow it up. I don't care if we have to gun down the team like Keyser Soze did his family, I would rather see that than go on another day after this.

Despicable

2006-10-07T20:28:00.000-04:00

This gutless, ineffectual whimpering exit is not Yankee baseball. Nobody needs to come looking for me, I'm here, announcing that we went out like PUNK BITCHES this year.

To be George about it, the "true Yankees" held their heads high and performed. Jeter hit. Jorgie hit. Mariano was good in his one chance to be good. Matsui had his moments.

As for the rest of them, they can pack their shit up or really change their attitudes. Given that as Stavros accurately pointed out The Phantom of the Opera has turned us into a higher priced Atlanta Braves, it may be time for that moron to get out of town since he's so unconcerned with everything. I'm going to walk into my bathroom and say "Piniella" three times in a row. Hopefully he'll show up over my shoulder and begin cleaning house.

And While I'm at it

2006-10-07T00:14:00.000-04:00

FUCK Buck O'Neill. That bitch never got a Major League hit, why I should kiss his ass I know not. Have fun in hell Buck O'Neill. FUCK EVERYBODY.

God DAMNIT. I can't drink during these games again. I think I'm going to go to the gym. It is at that point.

Met Fans Talking Shit

2006-10-07T00:04:00.000-04:00

I have had 4 text messages from Mets fans talking shit about the Tigers winning tonight.

Why our outcome against a team better than everyone in the NL is somehow something the Mets fnas should be bragging about is beyond me. This is why I can't root for you stupid fucks in the World Series should you make it. You covet the Yankees success and you denigrate us at every turn, and yet you will never be us. It kills you, you covetous shabbos cocksuckers.

Several Mets fans have shown restraint that good will has been squandered by the other fucking homos. I'm going to put cheese and meat on the same plate just for you BFK Jr. and I'm going to enjoy it, your cult sucks ass and your rules are just as stupid as Scientology's. This Saturday I'm going to turn on the oven, ride in a car AND fucking roll.

Free Range Complaining

2006-10-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

1. If the radar is calling for rain after 10 PM, why push a game BACK, leaving the fans in the stands for nothing, 2 hours sitting in non-rain followed by a 10:30 cancellation?!? If MLB, which constantly hates on the Yanks, pushes that game up to 7 PM they get the whole thing in on Wednesday night. We don't have to go without a travel day for our entire 5 game series, we don't have to play a 'home game' in a half-empty dead stadium. It's just fucking ridiculous. BUD SELIG SHOULD BE KILLED. I HOPE HIS KIDS GET FUCKING CANCER, EVERY ONE OF THEM, THAT USED CAR SELLING COCKSUCKER. How can someone who has a competitive interest in a league be the 'neutral commissioner?' God DAMNIT.

2. Joe Torre you PHANTOM OF THE OPERA FACED STUPID ITALIAN COCKSUCKER. Dennis Hopper spoke the truth about you in True Romance. GOD DAMNIT WE WIN 97 FUCKING GAMES WITH A LINEUP AND THEN THIS STUPID COCKSUCKER GETS THE GENIUS IDEA TO CHANGE IT FOR THE PLAYOFFS?!?!? WHY?!?!? I hope the Safe at Home foundation goes fucking BANKRUPT. I can't TAKE this moron anymore. He's a BAD manager. Bad. Not middling, not lazy, BAD. His dad did not beat him or his mom hard enough when he was growing up, the stupid fucking PHANTOM OPERA FACED COCKSUCKER. Your nun sister's school should BURN TO THE GROUND.

3. Stavros' suggestion that I drink wine to calm myself down tonight was worthless. I am 10x angrier than I would otherwise have been. I am what we in the industry like to call a psychotic angry drunk under circumstances like these, when I drink a bottle of wine. God DAMNIT. Man I wish I was still a dopehead. Drinking STINKS.

4. RJ did not pitch a bad game and was getting squeezed. Kenny Rogers' strike zone, as Stavros correctly pointed out, was about a foot wider than ours. No surprise. MLB hates the Yankees, but regardless, it's KENNY FUCKING ROGERS. These FUCKS were swinging at junk all night and taking the first pitch, which was inevitably a hanging breaking ball.

5. Alex Rodriguez is finished in NY. Finished. If he is on the team next year I will boycott and not attend a single Yankee game barring some miraculous turnaround. Giambi, who brags about how much ass he kicks on A-Rod in SI, can take his steroid-broken tendon and his trashy wife and get the fuck out of town too. The only 'true' Yankee amongst the 'new breed' is Matsui. Oh, I also like Abreu. That call on I-Rod safe at third earlier...give me a FUCKING BREAK GOD DAMNIT.

Not moving runners over, horrifically disjointed lineup thanks to Ginzo of the Opera's moron moves. I am so mad I could punch my fist through my monitor. EVERY NEW YORK BASEBALL FAN KNOWS HOW GARBAGE KENNY ROGERS IS. I watched the game tonight and he did NOT have good stuff. FUCK Kenny Rogers. Sweet, it all comes down to Jarett Wright. The Mets will have no one worth a damn in their path to the series. I could root for them save that their cocksucking shylock fans do nothing but attack the Yankees all the time as if we were somehow responsible for their sucking since 1988. God DAMNIT.

Fuck you Torre. Fuck you Selig. Please God, cancer for Selig's grandchildren. DEATH AND DESTRUCTION OF THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS. CRASH THEIR TEAM PLANE INTO AN ORPHANAGE WITH SELIG AND HIS FAMILY ABOARD.

The Phantom of the Opera

2006-10-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

Joe Torre, who looks very similar to the Phantom of the Opera (silent film version) was at it again today.

First and second, nobody out, Cano 0 for the series to this point and pressing, our best situational hitters coming up, and BigNose doesn't even THINK of moving guys over. God DAMNIT.

I was at a meeting in my office with the gamecast on my screen and my 2 O'clock sitting across the desk from me and lapsed out of the conversation 3 times -- had to try to bluff my way through sentences I'd totally not heard.

I have an awful feeling about Randy Johnson going. He's already laid his excuse foundation and his recent postseason pitching has been putrid. The only thing I can take solace in is just how awful Kenny Rogers is. Kenny Rogers is the least clutch pitcher I can remember, that's why I call him The Roaster.

The Mets and Cardinals are taking care of business on clearly inferior competition, but Ho Torre is not putting us in position to do the same. This year the only team that frightens me in the LEAST in the NL is the Mets. I was letting TEK know just how bad these lineups are and he would hear none of it. All I can say is a lineup where the 'scary hitters' don't have more than 20 HR or 100 RBI is NOT a good lineup. It's a horrible lineup.

We're paying this douche Farnsworth 5 mill and he can't pitch on 2 days rest? What kind of shit is that. Relievers who don't throw strikes should be executed. LIkewise, John Franco has a LOT of nerve walking around Shea like King of the Castle. That guy cost the Mets countless series, and his throwing on a suit and trying to latch onto recent success is totally contemptible.

I think the Matthew Broderick / Tim Robbins combo is the worst celeb fan combo of all time. WORSE than Affleck and Damon.

FSU not taking care of business against NCSU, the ACC just sucks this year. Everyone is going to kill the ACC and yet we had the most players taken in the first round in NFL history in the draft last year. Literally, I think 18 first round picks left the league last year. What does anyone expect? This guy Tank Tyler from NCSU is the man, he is a total beast at DT.

Picard and many others have thrown the towel in on the G-Men already. When we're 1-2 with a huge divisional matchup with the Skins coming up! Fair enough, but I'm not going out like that.

WoW Southpark

2006-10-04T23:22:00.000-04:00

Southpark had a warcraft episode tonight. It was somewhat accurate, but lucky for you I am here to tell you how inaccurate the episode was.

First, the episode was premised on the idea that other players are not supposed to be able ot kill your character. This could not be further from the truth -- on the majority of servers the whole purpose of the game is fighting other players. Only ghey PvE servers are supposed to make it impossible for other players to kill you.

Second, we WoW hustlers are not all fat, zitty, and lazy. I for one have perfectly clear skin.

The use of Teamspeak (though I prefer Ventrilo) and a lot of the terminology were very accurate. It's clear that the South Park squad has played a great deal of WoW, which is no surprise, because anyone who is cool plays Warcraft. Warcraft rulz.

Save your condescension WoW haters. You stupid motherfuckers think you're so smart. You're not!

The new Sonic commercial where the guy talks about his blog is perfection.

Game 1 Thoughts

2006-10-03T23:56:00.000-04:00

Another playoff game out of Jeter, 5-5...MVP.

Joe Torre is TERRIBLE at managing pitching staffs. Horribly, irredeemably terrible. Wang is cruising, hasn't thrown many pitches, I know, let's bring in that douchebag Mike Meyers to give up a HR! Big nosed moron. I am sick and tired of his poor management of the staff. We could have rested Rivera today.

I'm not going to comment much on baseball this year because I inevitably make myself think that I've jinxed things. I am seeking turning into the Monk of playoff baseball fans by watching in multiple rooms in the apt rather than one 'magic position' and when I get annoyed turning on Warcraft and stealthing around with my rogue stabbing things.

I am only just now getting right after Vegas. Work shmork, I've been useless this week.

The Most Outrageous Show Ever

2006-10-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

In case my FLAVOR FLAV-ing hasn't made it sufficiently clear, Flavor of Love is an important and underappreciated show. Don't miss Flavor of Love. I'm totally beat and couldn't miss tonight's ep.

I had my fortune told (both palm reading and tarot) over the weekend and have learned some interesting things. A change goan' come.

What Happens in Vegas

2006-10-01T20:24:00.000-04:00

stays in Vegas. And so does all the money I bring there.

Still, had an AWESOME trip with Craig Michael and Picard. That's right, your eyes are not deceiving you, that is bold, italicized, AND underlined. I will definitely go back, even when I lose Vegas kicks ass. FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV.

Jackass Number Two

2006-09-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

Last night my wife and I journeyed to Edgewater, NJ to take in Jackass Number Two in honor of RushaHoma. I never got a chance to see Terrence and Phillip: Asses of Fire, but if you go to see Jackass Two on opening night, you'll experience a reasonable facsimile. By way of disclosure, this astute comparison came from Mrs. A.

The packed theater's average age was about 14, notwithstanding the movie's R rating (I listened to one young douche explain to his friend by phone that he had to buy tickets to Little Miss Sunshine and sneak in). I would not be surprised if Jackass' box office is under reported by a magnitude of at least 10% due to the number of punk kids who have to sneak in.

The crowd was rowdy and numerous aspiring young jackasses made sure to bring their skateboards into the movie so people would know that they were keeping it real. God I hate people.

The movie is very entertaining. I don't think it's as funny as Jackass 1, but it was definitely full of 'oh my God' moments, extremely disgusting segments, and some really crazy stunts. Steve O is still the man. He and Knoxville continue to prove that they don't give a shit, at all.

My best questing pal on Warcraft is back from 5 weeks in the field and I'm totally psyched. Crown me king of the losers. Oh, and said guildie was on my MySpace announcing his return yesterday. Yup, I rule.

Fly, Eagles Fly

2006-09-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

Right into the garbage can where you cocksuckers belong!

Between BC playing ridiculous double OT games 2 weeks running and today's Giants game, my heart can't take much more. I was especially invested in the Giants game having been in Philly Saturday night talking trash to my wife's whole extended family who are huge Philly fans. Text messages were pouring in as the Giants whole team played like a loose stool for 3 quarters. Then, as always, Donovan McNabb shit the bed, the Eagles choked, and the G Men were victorious.

Plax was right to get right in that pussy Petiguot's face. I've had it with him, if he didn't have such an odd last name he'd have been run out of town on a rail a long time ago. Everyone sucks Luke's dick and he gets more penalties than almost anyone. Then Plax wins the game, takes off his helmet, pumps his fist into the stands and starts jawing at the trash Eagles fans as he pumps his fist, magic. Plax has sealed his position on my good list- he's had his problems with alligator arms etc. in the past but Plax wants to win. Let him fuck up for the Invincible Michaels one time in fantasy this year and we'll see how many nice things I have to say about him.

My forecast that the 49er offense would be much improved looks to be coming true so Mr. Ruggles should be happy. Gee, explosive young back from the U, skill guy from the Big East at WR, heady QB, it's like they're triplets...hmmm, where have I heard that formula before. I own Bryant and Gore in my fantasy league this year and am seeing great returns.

The NFL installed its injury reporting scheme to keep teams from trying to fix lines and fuck with gambling, and that's great, but how do they let the Redskins keep pulling this shit with Portis? As a Portis owner, I have a right to have a cogent and honest assessment of his chance of playing. Portis says he's playing, Gibbs says he's not, Gibbs says no way, then Portis plays. Fucking ridiculous.

Ok, That's Enough

2006-09-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

I've reached my total limit with the Muslim world.

My boy Benedict kept it real for a brief moment in time and called a spade a spade re: the Muslim world today. And the Pope was right. After all, he's infallible.

These people are out of their fucking minds, they are lunatics. No war has ever been fought where both sides did not believe they were right, and this one will be no different. They're totally convinced, based on reading a book whose ilk was last seen (again, my favorite RG ref of all time) written in shit on a bathroom stall that they should do violence to any who don't subscribe to their retard, wipe your ass with a washcloth boozeless douchebaggery religion.

So, the Pope says something they don't like. So, IN ANGER AT BEING CALLED INTOLERANT they go TOTALLY FUCKING BONKERS, burn everything in sight, show crazy violence and foolishness in response to an opinion they disagree with and threaten murder of the differing-opinioned party. WE'RE NOT VIOLENT AND INTOLERANT! HOW DARE YOU CALL US INTOLERANT! OBSERVE OUR ANIMALISTIC VIOLENT AND INTOLERANT RESPONSE!

These fucks can burn cities to the ground and stomp on books and threaten global war over a CARTOON but have not an ounce of outrage for the beheadings of 'infidels.' All the 'americanized' muslims in Detroit who hadn't a single word of condemnation for 9/11, who have the gall to remain in our borders with this kind of shit...they should be chased in terror across our borders. The muslims in America roar with outrage at 'stereotyping' and wear their inflammatory t shirts on airplanes but NOT A WORD FROM THESE NEANDERTHALS ABOUT THE UNACCEPTABILITY OF THE BEHAVIOR OF THESE CRAZY FUCKING ISLAMIST STATES. You can't have it both ways you stupid cocksuckers. "OH, we're being STEREOTYPED, oh you are so INTOLERANT, oh these 5 minute delays every time I fly are such an imposition, why would there be heightend scrutiny of middle easterners on airplanes?!" HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. Begin to acknowledge that YOUR PEOPLE and YOUR PEOPLE ALONE were responsible for 9/11 and make up 99% of Al Qaeda (less John Lindh and that other fucking guy, somebody should pop John Lindh's dad in the fucking balls with a cleaver). Wail about Abu Graib but remember that if we wanted to, we could have been chopping off heads on video tapes that we put on the Internet so you could watch people die.

Fucking animals. I'm sick of it. These people are worthless and we must withdraw from their worthless (less oil) region and leave them to starve to death. Any time they try to acquire or create weapons sufficient to do mass casualties (nukes, advanced bio) drop a warhead on their research site and capital. Ban them from our country and the civilized world. Stay in the desert with Allah you stupid fucks.

That is my anti-Islam rant for the week. I keep saying it's the last one, but these fucking morons keep spouting off and no one is pointing out that the emperor is not only naked, he wears no deodorant and is borderline retarded.

DWTS Returns

2006-09-13T21:05:00.000-04:00

Dancing With the Stars is back. Once again a fruitywhip, this time Mario 'Cantone' Lopez is the odds on favorite. I'm pulling hard for Emmitt Smith. I also really like Willa Ford and I'm even rooting for Shanna Moakler. Anyone dissing some 135 lb 5-4 tough guy like Travis Barker gets my respect. Travis Barker is a little pussy who thinks he's bad cause he gets those ghey tattoos and wears his fruity mohawk. Look at me, look at me, I SO don't care what you think of me that I'm begging you to look at me. Die Travis. Die Slater.

Moakler somehow broke down though -- I don't think it's just weight gain, her whole face shape has changed. She hit the wall like crazy.

29 days until my dog arrives. Ooh, America Ferrerra looks bad on Ugly Betty because she's wearing funny clothes! No, she looks like shit because she's an ugly pig. The show should be called "Ugly pig with novelty first name."

Last night I saw my boy G. Gordon "Live from Gush Katif" Liddy embarrass Leif Garrett on Celebrity Fear Factor. It was great, the G Man was holding it down on Leif.

Do yourself a favor and read some Neil Gaiman. I tell everyone what's good to read but no one listens. It's a joke. I told people for years to read GeoRRM and they didn't want to listen. I told them to read the Dark Tower, they slept. Well Neil Gaiman is gangsta.

Logged 158 honorable kills in AV tonight while I was waiting for my wife to come home from the salon. I am such a badass.

Never Forget

2006-09-11T22:16:00.000-04:00

the thousands murdered and the tens of thousands left to remember the slaughtered. Remember who did this, and when; no war in Iraq, no war in Afghanistan, Palestinian terrorists awarded Nobel Peace Prizes and feted by Bill Clinton. Sure worked out well.

My New Best Friend

2006-09-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

Check out my new puppy! He's a Labrador Retriever/Bernese Mountain Dog mix and he'll be arriving in early October. My wife has been all over me to get a dog for a long time and having loved and lost in the animal game many many times I was reticent. My last beloved dog Ollie (himself a Bernese) succumbed to cancer when I was a senior in High School and I still really haven't fully recovered. My boy Fergus, a beautiful Maine Coon who loved being outside, had to go live with my cousin when my mom sold her house -- 'indoor only-ing' a wild beast like that would have been too cruel. He is still kicking ass up in Hyde Park.

My new pal and I are going to have a lot of fun. I'm going to sign him up for Graceland Doggie Daycare as soon as he's old enough and up to that point will have someone come in while I'm at work every day so he won't have to be all alone. Man I can't wait til my pal gets here!
I know, I know, I'm going to be picking up big shits with plastic bags, my apartment will be full of thick black fur, he's going to have to go outside to crap, he'll ruin some of my property. Who cares. This is my BOY.

Disgusting

2006-09-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

WTF is going on with Charlie Batch's mom's hair?!?!

I just deleted a few sentences which the PC squad might consider offensive. My topline is don't laquer faux blonde hair to your head if you are a 60 yo black woman. It looks like shit. You look fucking ridiculous.

I Told You My Brother Causes Problems

2006-09-07T23:30:00.000-04:00

One of my brother's underlings caused the biggest traffic jam in Hawaiian history this week by ramming one of their cranes into a gigantic bridge. He was on the phone this evening (he never remembers the 6 hour time difference and calls me all the time after 11 PM) bitching about this. I said well kick this guy's ass and show him who the fuck is boss. I need to get out there and start showing these motherfuckers who's boss.

Ridiculous.

Glenn likes his sister's boobies

2006-09-07T23:22:00.000-04:00

a lot. A lot. He thinks she's hot.

Out kicking ass tonight at a bar called Professor Thom's on the east side with K Mac, Ping, Picard, Craig Michael, DJ Brown and a cast of thousands culled from Craig Michael's work ranks. Craig Michael works with a lot of sluts. I'm telling you, I could bang Craig Michael's whole office in the span of 2 months. All these hos think they have it all figured out, I treat a bitch like 7-up, I never have, I never will. Picard had great inroads with one such skank but was cockblocked with a nuclear attack from a party who will remain nameless. It was all I could do to stifle myself from saying "MAN, what a cockblock." I literally got throug hthe first 4 words and stopped at 'c-.' Painful.

I am allegedly going to Las Vegas in late September. TEK is waffling and trying to break free from perhaps the most hustling trip of all time. I am going to contact my boy OLD MAN and ask him to be my second on my first foray into the city of Sin. Genius. I'm getting on e-mail as we speak.

I digress. We discovered an appetizer that is comprised of mac and cheese deep-fried into a triangle of batter, which you dip in CheezWhiz. Ping and I each easily put down about 12 of these golden delights. I had to defecate in a public bar bathroom and it was worth every delicious, creamy, velveeta good morsel. What a feast. If you put Ping and I in the same room it means bad luck for all the food.

I could drink beer all night and never get that drunk. I drank about 10 beers and 2 shots tonight and I'm only slightly buzzed. If I lived in NYC I would go out drinking every night. I don't know how anyone who lives in the city manages not to become an utter degenerate.

CRIKEY!!!!

2006-09-04T01:14:00.000-04:00

I always laugh at the wrong moments.

But the fact that the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray, was in fact impaled on its barbed spike, made me break into raucous laughter as I signed off of Warcraft.

Steve, I feel your pain. I died at least 35 times today in a skirmish outside Tarren Mill that grew into a 50 on 50 pitched battle, all precipitated by some hustling level 30's in my guild who would not back down against steep odds. They called the banners and we rolled into town and killed the Alliance Griffin master. Man, it was beautiful. None of this has anything to do with the Crocodile Hunter.

I'll miss your irresponsible, ill-informed, improperly supervised unsafe animal encounters Steve (to be Elegant Elliott about the whole thing). I fucking told you so, you moron. You would have done well to heed this paragraph I just found in about 5 seconds of Internet research:

"Never underestimate the penetrating ability of a stingray’s barb, even on the smallest of stingrays. The stingray’s barb is designed to penetrate virtually all sorts of dense materials, including wood and leather. And as unbelievable as it may seem, it’s been documented that large stingrays are able to drive a barb through a boat’s wooden planks or completely through a persons arm or leg.

According to Dr. Shipp, when a stingray strikes, it either removes its barb entirely, or breaks it off inside of the victim. When this occurs, doctors must probe the wound to make sure all particles have been removed, so the injury will not result in gangrene. In cases where the barb deeply penetrated, the wound must be enlarged to make sure it is properly cleaned.
Aside from the pain and serious laceration caused by the razor-sharp barb, which can sever arteries and possibly an Achilles tendon, a poison is released that can produce a drastic decrease in blood pressure, increased pulse, dizziness and possible shock."

Long Weekend Hits the Turn

2006-09-03T23:15:00.001-04:00

This has been a solid long weekend.

Hit the zoo during my run-up to the weekend. My wife and I love the zoo and have had many romantic outings there and are never disappointed. Saw a lot of dope animals. My new find this trip was the Babirusa (a hustling wild pig I'd never seen before, I love pigs and these have cool tusks). Rode the Bengali Express, kicked it on the Skyfari, and of course visited my # 1 exhibit, CONGO, to see lots of awesome gorillas. I was driven from the exhibit by a pregnant female that kept puking her food into her hand and then eating it again -- god damn morning sickness.

I'm just going to make a note here that when I publish paragraphs, stupid blogger for some reason puts one space after each period/sentence. Fear not, I punctuate with precision and am not one of those cocksuckers who writes 'definately' or 'theirs my favorite actor!" Those people should not be allowed to type. Blame blogger.

The rest of the weekend has been busy nothingness. Went and did yet another good deed for my in-laws, but my plan to hit Jordan's Lobster Dock with TEK was scuttled by bad weather. I haven't gotten much WoW in this weekend because the FUCKING CHINESE FARMERS WHO I BOUGHT GOLD FROM HAVE BEEN LAGGING ON DELIVERY. Yeah that's right I buy gold, I have no problem purchasing virtual assets. I want an epic mount which is extremely expensive (but will give me a 100% riding speed boost) but I just can't keep logging on and seeing that my gold hasn't arrived. I know these chinese dudes are playing as fast as they can but jesus, get to work.

It's amazing that there's a significant (I would guess that the chinese farm market servicing the 5 million WoW accounts on US and EU servers employs at least 10,000 farmers and 10,000 support personnel, and that number could be off by a magnitude of 10) number of chinese people earning money to play video games. Good for them, if 45 cents an hour is an upgrade in payscale you're CRAZY not to take such a job. When you end up in one of my raid groups, however, I will slur you and kick you the fuck out because farmers steal items and have no respect for anybody. AND, apparently, they promise to deliver you 1,000 gold in 3 hours and really mean 3 days. Cocksuckers! I should copy paste my angry IM conversations with the chinese guys who man the customer support -- they are honest and instantly responsive but their syntax is entertaining.

I saw Little Miss Sunshine over the weekend, GREAT movie. I could watch that movie about 20 times I think. Especially big snaps to the kid from Girl Next Door (not that no-talent Emile Hirsch, he played one of his dork buddies) who gives a tour de force performance. The rest of the cast is fantastic, I love ugly Toni Collette. You're terrible Muriel.

Howard has been running the best-of from his K-Rock days to debut his tapes over the weekend and I'm very hopeful there will be an 'all the time best -of' channel set up. I continue to say that while the current Sirius show is the most entertaining program on radio (except when they have Sybian crap going on, totally boring) the show totally jumped the shark when Jackie left. No one, and I mean NO ONE will ever touch the Jokeman. They are way too respectful and nice to Gary, and the new associate producer's can't hold John's jock. I don't care what you have to pay them, get Jackie and John back.

Get the FUCK off Ken T

2006-08-30T23:31:00.000-04:00

Now the NY Slimes is coming after the den leader of my cub scout troop.

I don't know how much more personal these scumbags can get. The NY Times is just about the worst paper of all time.

They didn't succeed in their previous attempt at tarring Ken T for his high crime of being a patriotic American and a Republican. So, they are now trumping up evidence and putting their hateful screed on the front page of the Slimes.

STFU New York Times. Get off Ken Tomlinson. I don't know many other millionaires who send their kids to Annapolis and to the front lines to fight for our country. Certainly none of the Woody Allen intellectuals at the NY Slimes send their kids into the service. They're busy blaming the military for not 'protecting' idiots like Nick Berg and blowing up undercover investigations of syndicates striving for mass murder against the United States.

I went to school with Ken T's kids, I slept over at his house, he lead our Den to the regional Jamboree, and he is a good guy. Plus he was the only Dad in town rugged enough to sport a bushy ass beard. GET THE FUCK OFF KEN T YOU HATEFUL DOUCHEBAGS.

Death in the Saddle

2006-08-30T01:01:00.000-04:00

It's 12 58 and I totally don't want to go to sleep. I am taking it to motherfuckers in Durotar like it's going out of style.

Yes there's always a place for the Angry Young Man with his fist in the air and his head in the sand and, it would seem that place (at least, tonight) is just outside the Crossroads where I'm sending wave after wave of paladins and rogues to hell. Say what you will about backstabbing and nuking, there is nothing more satisfying than killing 3 or 4 attackers at once with fears, deathcoils, and DOTs, standing in the middle of a crowd of impotent opponents as they burn to death while you run them around like a sadistic air traffic controller. Smart opponents run from a talented PvP Warlock. Fly or die, land-grabbing pigs will share Nerzhul's fate.

I could blog about Warcraft for hours on end, and none of my readers would appreciate a word of it. Well I don't care. My political content is stolen and recycled, diluted and ruined by the idiocy of the thieving pedophile 'interpolator.' My slice-of-life blogging ends up similarly purloined by bloggers who I know for a fact read this site (thank you, Sitemeter). Warcraft, on the other hand, remains entirely my own. BLITZKRIEG MOTHERFUCKERS. We pwn Alliance from n00bs to elites.

Oberlieutenant Calibos...OUT.

Warcraft and Wine=bad combination.

Dedication

2006-08-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

In ruminating on my magnificent achievement of reaching Level 60, I have decided to dedicate my great accomplishment to my wife. She never complained (much) and let me have my WoW time when I needed it. When she came in to try to make me talk to my mom on the phone and I shouted "DAMNIT I'M KILLING A BOSS, I CAN'T TALK NOW" she dealt. When she needed help on something and I said "I can't just leave the raid, these guys are counting on me!" she understood and allowed me to kick ass without guilt. Thank you, love of my life, for letting me make it to Level 60. I could not have done it without you and dedicate it all to you.

Since I've stopped worrying about leveling, I'm working on getting my epic mount and more so on kicking ass on the god damn alliance. It's a great feeling to roll into areas where stupid dwarves and humans were rolling me back in the day and through force of will refuse to allow my guildmates to suffer the indignity of death at Ally hands. I swept through Arathi Highlands last night as 26 and 28 orcs and tauren cheered me like I was the U.S. planes showing up for the Wolverines in Red Dawn. Like Robert in that classic film, I don't know that I'll never get enough of killing the enemy. Glorious.

Yet another dirty terrorist killing people with his car in San Francisco. Bear in mind that this 'oppressed' cocksucker doesn't roll into an Army barracks or try to fight a policeman but rather guns for women and children behind the wheel of his SUV. Islamists, don't come to our fucking country. Kick every illegal of Middle Eastern persuasion the fuck out of America. Require oaths of citizenship and loyalty from any who have been naturalized and wish to remain. If you attend a mosque preaching anti-American dogma or calling for the destruction of America, bear in mind that constitutionally speaking treason remains a capital offense. Hang the imams from the light posts.

There's an excellent series on "Primetime" (or is it 48 Hours? I don't know) called The Outsiders -- so far they've featured Prussian Blue, the skinhead tween band and now tonight the Amish and that creepy Children of God sex cult. Check it out, who knows what Outsiders they will chronicle next.

Watched Celebrity Duets tonight -- I'm pulling hard for Carlton Banks, Jericho, and Xena (now that she's not wearing that dykey wig and pretending to be butch).

Level 60, W00T

2006-08-27T18:46:00.000-04:00

After a long and grueling leveling career, I am happy to report that my orc warlock has reached the current pinnacle of World of Warcraft's leveling structure and is finally level 60.

I've ordered some Front Page chinese food and will now chow down on egg rolls of victory. What an accomplishment. I've played just under 18 days (that's 24 hour days) in my World of Warcraft career. Unbelievable.

Tomorrow I'll buy my tickets for Manning Bowl; my father-in-law having given those seats away. We have a good confirmed core group for Giants games this year, including The Entropy Kid who has become a Giants fan to our great pride. Picard and I were working on him like Vader and the Emperor working on Luke Skywalker, though the implication that cheering the G Men is evil is totally off base.

I've only got a 3 day work - week and it's about time I had two full days off this summer. No summer vacation, just deplorable. Took 1 day to hit the Cape for my wife's work outing and that was all. We'll go out to Arizona for some fun in the sun and to see the Grand Canyon in October, I'll take Christmas week, and then we will do a sweet European Vacation in the spring. Alchemist W. Griswold is ready to see the sights.

If you're looking for some good stuff to read and have any taste at all, my current recommendations are Robert Howard's original Conan stories and Neil Gaiman (good modern-day dark fantasy).

Survivor: Race War

2006-08-24T22:06:00.000-04:00

I am so excited for the Race War Survivor, I may have a seizure. Breathe Alchemist, make sure you live long enough to see this genius.

I was on the phone with a nameless party this afternoon who declared that the Asian team will sweep to the win "if the challenges are all about math." Good times. Nothing makes me more amused than somewhat true racial stereotypes that everyone pretends were pulled completely out of the air and are not based at all in reality. Sal the Stockbroker was right, all asians aren't good at math but many take their studies more seriously than the whites.

I wish Vegas would release odds on the show. I have theories that are too controversial and hilarious to be committed to a public record such as this blog. I can tell you who NOT to bet on, that's for sure. I know who I'm rooting for, WHITE POWER! Ha. I'm laughing hysterically imagining myself singing the skinhead songs from America Undercover in support of the white team. It's only a matter of time before I am Bill Ricio-iting it up in my house, marching around thanks to Mark Burnett and his balls. Knowing today's PC universe, they'll have 4 retarded white people and hand-picked teams of ultra-fit, genius minorities. This would not surprise me in the least. Still, what balls. I love you Burnett.

Cue the Imperial March

2006-08-20T01:02:00.000-04:00

"Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers, I WANT THEM ALIVE."

Red Sox fans are the worst group in all of sports. Eagles fans treat Giants fans as badly or worse than Sawx fans treat Yankee fans and yet, I have grudging respect for Eagles fans. They are a worthy foe. Sawx fans are awful. Beating the Sawx brains in like this feels great. Damon has made his bones with Yankees fans by pissing on the Sawx like this. His hick dad is the man and is crowing at home over his statement that the Sawx made a huge Ruthian level mistake letting JD walk. The guy has played with a broken foot all year without complaint, he is putting up numbers, getting big hits...I didn't think I would feel this way, ever, but I love Johnny Damon. GOD what a great series to this point. You never feel as good as when you're beating the shit out of the Red Sox. NOTHING feels as good. World Series titles have made me less excited...just fantastic.

Bobby Abreu, aka Beast Man, is a professional hitter. He grinds out at bats, he walks, he runs...I'm coming around on him.

A-Rod has pissed me off all year. I am not mentioning him today.

I was out at my in-laws house all day today being a solid son in law, moving around furniture and other junk to help them with a home repair project. I missed the Best Barbecue of the Year, thrown by Kid Z, to do so. Kid Z's Burger with Mozz remains the best barbecue food this side of my home-made Chebacon burger. It's definitely his signature dish. Lucky for me, Kid Z called in to tell me what a solid citizen I was skipping the block party to help my ailing in laws and revealed that he is in serious negotiations for a lobster wall at his daughter's christening in a few weeks. I almost shit my pants at Kid Z's wedding after eating approximately 10 lb of lobster from the 'unlimited lobster wall.' If they have the lobster wall at the christening party, I'm going to swoon away like a german teenage girl at a Michael Jackson concert.

And another thing about A-Rod...God DAMNIT I don't want to talk about A-Rod. But I'll say that A-Rod is like a girl who has a sucker on the line, a guy she's totally not interested in but 'just wants to be friends with.' A ROD KNOWS WE ARE PINING FOR HIM. He's stringing us along like the cunty bitch strings along suckers, hooking up with them when she needs self esteem. I will not be that douche, vying for A-Rod's A-Game. Go FUCK yourself A-Rod. I want the deal reported earlier by Kid Z, which is the Tejada deal offered by Houston -- Kid Z alleges we deal A-Rod to Houston for Ensberg, Oswalt, and Lidge. I do that deal in 5 minutes. I have supported this cocksucker and for what? I was hoping that he would just strike out with bases loaded, no luck, of COURSE he hit into a DP.

Johnny Damon's wife is 500x hotter than A-Rod's. Take that Alex! Damon forever, Alex never.

I'm now level 58. I hit Lower Blackrock Spire this evening when I got home and held my own admirably against some of the toughest dungeon mobs in the World of Warcraft. The pinnacle is in sight.

"I Made Love to JonBenet"

2006-08-19T00:05:00.000-04:00

Man it doesn't get much creepier than that. The worst part is that this guy totally didn't do it, and used his cagey 'confession' to escape Thailand and get back to the good old US of A. He's found to be 'crazy,' cops on the kiddie porn and flight charges and is back on the streets in time to get some tween loving in by 2010.

The minute you have child love urges you owe it to the planet to commit suicide. I lived with a pederast at one point. I'm not shitting you. The pederast kept boylover porn all over the fucking place, it was fouuuul. Well not real porn but it was in the spirit of porn sufficiently that I'm going to take the leap of faith and say he was a pederast. When you're a pederast, do you acknowledge to yourself that you sometimes jerk off to pictures of 13 year olds? Do you say "I put my pants on one leg at a time but sometimes I just get so hot and bothered for that Jonathan Lipnicki." OR, do you just totally deny that it happens and stand naked in front of the mirror, putting on chapstick for 20 minutes at a time, dancing with your dick between your legs?

I have been working a ton recently and when I'm not working I've had various social, family, and Warcraft events keeping me busy. I'm also still sick and tired of seeing my material recycled on other garbage blogs. Get off my Koolaid faggots. You all think you are writers or funny. You are about as funny as the wedding room at Sloan Kettering, to paraphrase the great Colin Quinn.

I had a back-and-forth feud on my favorite author's message board this week-- that's right, my boy George RR Martin and I came to blows on his 'Not a Blog' forum on georgerrmartin.com. He put up some ridiculous post about how searching people for flights is stupid because statistically speaking so few people die on planes. More Fonda/Sarandon moronics from the 'America, We are soooo lame" brigade. Well I bombed him to the point that he felt compelled to respond, and I dropped the People's Elbow on his response just for his trouble. I also told him that AFFC sucked and he should work on Dance With Dragons and STFU about politics.

You know what my culture is? American. I represent for Mark Twain. Respect my fucking culture and national traditions you cocksuckers. I have the right to a national character, just like the 'cooler cultures' you douchebags say are so much better than ours. The Fronch get their berets, I get to like cheeseburgers, steak, white bread, hot dogs, and baseball, and you get to shut the fuck up.

I got on the wyvern to fly from Orgrimar to Silithus and fell asleep somewhere around the Crossroads with the Yankee game on. Stavros texted me when we rallied for 7, waking me just in time to see us taking the lead on these vomitous Red Sox.

Say what you want but Damon is KILLING the Red Sox.

Don't Get Fooled Again

2006-08-12T23:02:00.000-04:00

As is the case with most matters of policy, a small, very vocal group of idiots calls the dance.

The mainstream media and this lunatic fringe will talk to you about the 'radical right' or the 'religious right,' but these are not the people we have to worry about.

The Muslims in the UK who took out an ad today saying that the war in Iraq caused these monsters to plot the mass murder of 4,000 civilians can suck my cock, and they should suck yours. We were not in Iraq when Al Qaeda tried to blow up the WTC in 93, nor were we in a Mideast conflict when they blew up the USS Cole or our embassies. These people are sick, cowardly, backward animals. They should be put to slaughter like the mad cows they are, men, women, and children-- that is what they offer us (and would visit upon us were they able). Their ideology is 'be a part of our retarded religion or die.' That is the hardcore jihadi attitude practiced by these sick monsters and they should all be dead.

So when these fucks have the GALL to pop off about how these mass murdering cowards are just 'acting out' 'because of Iraq' in a paid ad in a British paper, I say, 'why haven't they started burning these people's houses down?' How DARE you stand here like the parent of a badly spoiled child making excuses and seeking to validate this totally unjustifiable behavior. Islam stinks.

Hero of the Horde

2006-08-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

Hero of the Horde, originally uploaded by jaimelannister.

I was questing hard all weekend long. Up to Level 55, and dangerously close to spazzing out and ringing a gong. My wife was away and as a result I got up Saturday, pigged the fuck out, and sat down for a nice 16 hour session of kicking ass. This game is getting pretty ridonkulous but I'm still having too much fun to care how much I've been playing. Got an amazing scythe called the Soul Harvester, motherfuckers see me running through BGs with that and flee. If you look closely at the picture of the handsome fellow above, you can make out the ginormous blade of my scythe over my shoulder. Soul Harvester is so god damn tough.

Enough WoW talk. I had what I thought was a keeloid (sp?) scar on my upper spine area (I get moles chopped every time I go to the derma and often the resulting scar is concave) but last night realized it was getting bigger and sore. I squeezed the fuck out of it and it popped, but not like a zit; rather it yielded spongy tissue that looked somewhat like bleached angel food cake. Try being home alone at 3 AM questing and rupturing some blob on your back and shooting out substance unknown if you want to bug the fuck out. I did some quick WebMD crap and thought I had self-lanced a boil and immediately headed to the shower where I continued to squish unknown substance out of the quarter-sized mass. Eventually I had squished it until it was flat and seemingly empty; the sore was now yielding blood rather than spongy alien material. I went to bed a little bit worried to say the least.

This morning I talked to my father, the artist formerly known as megadoctor, who quickly diagnosed me as having a sebaceous cyst. Now that I'm pretty sure I don't have cancer I'll go to the derma and have him shoot me with steroids or chop the thing off. Still, pretty exciting. If only I'd known I was not infected with an extra terrestrial I'd have had a lot more fun squeezing shit out of that thing. Hopefully a lot of people are reading this around lunch time, imagining this spongy, cottage-cheese discharge being squished from beneath my skin, and retching.

Warcraft Rulz.

Gotta Buy Some DRIVEN

2006-08-02T00:34:00.000-04:00

I will be buying some of Jeter's cologne soon just to keep it real. Picard put me onto it and I laughed for about 10 minutes. Jeter is the man.

Questing hard.

It seems that some of the biggest losers in the entire universe are now amongst my fanbase. This is no surprise, but I've got to say that West Roxbury MA is a slum.

Censored

2006-07-30T00:05:00.000-04:00

I had an incendiary post up here but I have taken it down.

Semi-Retired

2006-07-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

I'm in semi-retirement right now. I am playing a ton of WoW and most of my best material currently emanates via Ventrilo server to the ears of my comrades.

I'm also really sick of people who totally bite my style. I am not going to prattle on about it because I think it's totally gay, but I'm TIRED TIRED TIRED of seeing douchebags with URLs trying to make names for themselves as bloggers biting me. These fucks talk about how they don't bite me and yet I'm on sitemeter watching them see, appreciate, and then spit out a 4th rate version of my genius. Recycled versions of my content showing up on piss-poor blogs. Fucking biters. In the words of Rza to Russell Jones, "You still complaining about that?" Damn right. STOP READING MY BLOG YOU FUCKING COPYCATS. Fucking copycats in Virginia I've never even fucking met reading my blog, for WHAT if you're not biting me? To bite. Get the fuck out of here. You ruined it for all the loyal fans. Your bastardized version of my king's english offends my ears. Some of the imitators are more perfidious than others, the faggot who reads via Anonymouse being amongst the worst. You like young boys you fucking homosexual! But at least that pedophile hasn't bought a site on GoDaddy and begun seeking fame with the Alchemist's material. That is disgusting to me.

Summer in my neighborhood is celeb central. In the last week I've seen Mario Cantone, Colin Quinn, Matt Pinfield (to whom I said 'Farm Club, what what').

When you get to the top of the escalator, WALK AWAY. Do not stand there blocking everyone being forced into your back by the mechanized stair. I had to push some cocksucker today so hard that he stumbled for doing so. GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Back to Ogrimar.

It's Getting to be Re-God-Damn-Diculous

2006-07-25T00:12:00.000-04:00

My wife just scared the crap out of me. I'm in my office playing Warcraft, fucking up Water Giants with some Guildies and harrying Alliance up and down the coast of Feralas and she comes galloping in half asleep with my brother on the phone.

It is looking like there is a major political brou-ha-ha shaping up within 2 units as to who can piss the hardest and longest and retain his services. The people who are stateside and were told they would get him are angry that some other unit is taking him for a duty that is not technically what someone of his rank should be doing and are making major waves with G1. His fate is not yet determined but the angrier side seems to be the stateside detachment that is losing him to Iraq. So, he is saying there is a 70% chance he will get to stay with the unit he was supposed to go to (based on nothing but the animus of his current commander and the fact that they have a true and urgent need for his services/the seemingly better claim). His high grade in air assault school, which in turn likely was a result of his participation in gymnastics which I knocked his whole life, makes him particularly suited for a role they need and will probably end up keeping him here, letting him begin planning his wedding and not being sent to a unit where he's never met anyone in Iraq ASAP. He will still likely deploy but will at least not be in this wack state of anomie. Of course, this is literally the 3d time the alleged 'plan' has changed in 2 weeks. We're going to have to see.

My warlock kicks so much ass, it's not even funny. Level 56's run from me. I killed 2 geared out 60s and a 55 twinked warrior with only a 52 rogue earlier today. None of this makes sense to you, but that's just because you're a fucking loser.

I wear the old guns, the irons of Arthur Eld with the sandalwood grips. My guild is a good core and we are really developing into a nasty force. Unterfeldwebel Calibos signing off. I think my guild may have some skinheads in it. We are that hardcore.

100% Pure Wackness

2006-07-20T19:17:00.000-04:00

I knew our luck could not hold.

The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has once again changed my brother's orders and he hits the beach in Tikrit by mid-August latest. They did so conveniently a few days after he signed a lease on his apt, bought a nice flat panel LCD tv, signed up for Warcraft, joined my guild, and ordered a bed. I can't fucking stand it. The poor kid geared himself up for war, was then told he wasn't going, and now has the rug jerked out from under him again. Fucking cocksuckers. All for some sub-humanoid ape beasts who should be euthanized anyway. Ooh ooh, ah ah, durka durka durka, mohammed hussein.

Stormed out of the office around 5 after getting this news. Didn't tell my cocksucking little bloodsucking mosquito boss I was leaving. Up to the Gape all fucking weekend for a work function with my wife, no WoW. Gay.

Theory, Proven

2006-07-13T00:18:00.000-04:00

In Sin City, Clive Owen observes that Marv (played with amazing nuance by the talented Mickey Rourke) would have been celebrated rather than outcast had he lived in a different era. I have long felt that my personality--prone to feuding and enmity, fiercely loyal within certain throwback parameters, at times trending toward whimsical brutality -- would have served me better in another role or lifestyle. If only I'd had more math kung fu or if the Military Academy had a major in history when I applied, I might be in a more suitable occupation as is my younger brother.

I just logged onto my guild Ventrilo server and tore the house down for 15 minutes and, shortly, I will go to bed. If there is any role I am born to, it is that of comrade in arms, and nowhere have I found as satisfying a brotherhood of warring than WoW. Say what you will, my fellow undead and orcs know what's what. After only 7 days on the Vent server I am a cult figure and my sign on is greeted with cheers from the masses. Riffed about the gayness of the Alliance, exhorted my troops to dominate a raid and increase the fortunes of the guild, and now I shall sleep. Lv 47 Shadow Warlock and People's Champion, drunkenly signing off.

Angry White Man Report

2006-07-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

Put me in your box, hypocrites.

I'm riding the bus to work today, flipping through the Post, top paper in the city. P. 1, Honey I Blew up the House doctor. P. 3, Ana Kournikova now anorexic. P. 6, stupid separtists mass murder in India for 'peace.' PAGE 21, MAN CONVICTED OF MURDERING WOMAN, ADMITTEDLY DUE TO THE COLOR OF HER SKIN.

Fat Nick Minucci, who I've supported, made the front page of the Post about 4 times for saying "Whats up nigga" before beating a man who was admittedly in his neighborhood to steal cars with a bat. Hit a car thief, caught in the act of trying to steal cars, with a bat. Regardless of what he said, he should get a fucking medal. Where is the ACLU speaking out for Fat Nick, who has listened to as much rap music as I have? Nowhere. I guess the largely zionist organization is too busy upholding the right to paint the Virgin Mary in shit. No time to speak out for Fat Nick.

And this cocksucker who killed a woman "Because he wanted to kill a white woman" makes PAGE 21. Where is that conk-wearing jogging suit RETARD Al Sharpton marching for justice? Where is the outrage amongst the white community? Where was the outrage when those kids chased the Columbia student into the street screaming "get whitey" and he was run over and killed last month? If a black honor student were chased to his death in 2006 with screams of "Get the nigger" let me tell you, it would be front page news for a MONTH. If we're going to classify crimes as more heinous due to use of naughty words (inane, every murder is a 'hate crime') well WHERE IS THE FUCKING OUTRAGE?

I'm fucking outraged. This guy should get the death penalty for killing someone's grandma, regardless of whether his intent was simply to end someone's life or racial. Adam Horowitz will be speaking on his behalf soon like that cop killing cocksucker Mumia Abu Jamal (who deserve to die). Either way, I resent the continued persecution of Fat Nick. If you try to break into my car, I want you beaten with a crowbar, called the worst names anyone can think of, and humiliated. Fuck the 'community activists' speaking out on behalf of a confessed repeat car thief. Big Al should be ashamed to take his part, though a man in a nylon jogging suit and cowboy hat with soul glo hairstyle trying to set up a coke deal (as he has been in past) has no shame. Car thieves should die, not grandmothers.

More Good News

2006-07-11T20:59:00.000-04:00

My brother is not only not deploying to Iraq on August 1, but he really stepped in some shit.

He got to Hawaii where he'll be posted and the hotel on-base where they usually put you up for the first 30 days you're out there while you find permanent housing was full, so they have him set up in a hotel on Waikiki Beach. He has a week to find an apartment or what have you and says there are many available properties for between $1200 and $1500 / mos that are within walking distance of the beach, 2 BR 2 bath and within a half hour drive of the base. Great news.

How is Kenny Rogers the ALL STAR GAME STARTER?!?!? Kenny Rogers is GARBAGE. Yankee and Met fans both know how terrible he is. Ridiculous. The All Star game is a joke, these guys don't care about it anymore.

I am still questing pretty hard. Events tomorrow and thursday night mean no questing for 2 straight nights, don't know how I'll survive.

The True Decline Begins

2006-07-09T23:38:00.000-04:00

I got 4 levels this weekend. I quested hard, I dominated both continents. My warlock was re-spec-ed as an afflicto-lock -- the destructolock aspirations are gone. I held it down on Ventrilo, winning friends and influence.

For those not versed in Warcraft-ese, I am more addicted than I ever was before. I finally bought a Logitech headset that allows me, through a freeware program, to chat with the other members of my guild in realtime as we quest and take it to the alliance in the Warcraft universe. My new guild, Blitzkrieg, is supergangster and all of the guys in the guild are pretty solid.

Unbelievable change in strategy and ability to work as a team when you can talk realtime rather than typing frenziedly in brief lulls in combat. I quested for probably 12 hours yesterday and today with my pal Larry, who just got back from a tour in Iraq, he's a lieutenant in the marines. We had some laughs, we took some heads, and we improved our characters significantly. Today we killed a lumbering sea giant who'd had made off with a case of expensive rum from Booty Bay; we fought and destroyed a gigantic ape which had taken a woman prisoner -- they didn't call him Kong, but believe me, the universe is so dope that there was no doubt we were fighting Kong. Warcraft is the greatest game of all time.

In between all the questing I visited my in-laws and had a great brunch with the Howells. But Questing is what this weekend was all about and, though my spine is killing me from slouching over the keyboard all weekend, tomorrow night I will be in Zul'Farrak. Questing. Horde 4eva. May your blades never dull. Blood and thunder.

Superman -- Not Gay!!!

2006-07-02T17:19:00.000-04:00

I saw Superman Returns. Despite my previous freakouts, Superman is NOT gay, nor does he act swishy. The movie is about an hour too long and doesn't have nearly enough action. F Kevin Spacey, he's ok as Luthor but can't hold Gene Hackman's jock. This asshole walks around pontificating about people being dishonest and here he won't even come out of the closet. F You, Spacey!

The effects are great and, absent pace issues (literally, they could have cut an hour and done everything that mattered) the movie was good. Plot's pretty standard Superman, but there's nothing like hearing the music and seeing Superman kick ass. Routh is good. You heard it here, I was WRONG WRONG WRONG, Routh is good as Superman!

Day of Relief

2006-06-29T22:22:00.000-04:00

I got a call this morning at work; when I answered the phone my dad sounded like he was going to cry and it was pretty intense for a moment as I waited to hear who died or what tragedy had befallen us. However, my brother has been re-assigned to a new unit and will no longer be deploying to Iraq in early August. He may go in early 2007, it's uncertain when or where his deployment may be but the abruptly scheduled departure has been taken off our shoulders. He's an aeronautical engineer and had hoped to do satellite work or something using his skill set but had been randomly assigned a very different task (though no longer). I have a feeling someone in the battalion realized he was more valuable in a different role. Either way he'll still ship out to Hawaii but will be on a different base and will have time to acclimate and start doing stuff instead of getting there and taking off for Rag City in less than a fortnight. Phenomenal news. He's also really psyched about his new assignment and what his unit will be doing which sounds like not only interesting stuff but stuff that will give him great training for the private sector if he chooses not to go career. Ha, it's just like the commercials.

It got a bit dusty in my office after that emotional announcement and I sat there in one of those bone-weary, weight released states like I'd just had sex to the point of near death or taken an unbelievably large crap. Good day.

In the ying to the yang department my father in law has had another setback but of course the doctors have come up with a new infusion treatment that they say is going to 'do it this time.' These guys are nothing if not confidence inspiring and hopefully this combination will be the one to get it done. It is just tiring because his illness is not killing him or moving in that direction, it's just totally ruining his quality of life. He has good doctors though, I hope this time they can make it happen.

I have said for a long time that the National League is terrible and the Mets certainly didn't do the Yankees any favors at Fenway, going out with a whimper. At least they gave me a solid hour of entertaining Benigno and Mike and the Dog today -- there's nothing better than hearing them condescend and scold a team when it's not yours. "Terrible job by the Mets, they just went in there and got their brains beat in, best team in baseball? (dramatic pause). Playing like this? I am sorry, they haven't won a significant game yet and they look silly." Then the Dog chimes in with the gem "You know I don't like the Yankees but say what you want, they don't go up there and get it handed to them like that. And Miwwedge is high fiving the fans after they cheer him for making a catch? He just bought himsewf a ticket back to twiple A. WIGHT BACK TO TWIPLE A MIWWEDGE!!!" Righteously indignant Dog is the best.

I will say a Happy 30th Birthday to Doctor Europe in advance, he is 30 years old tomorrow. Rumor has it he will be celebrating with his mystery woman, I daresay that love is in the air.

Just saw a commercial for Chappelle: The Lost Episodes. Charlie Murphy had alluded to the fact that they'd recorded 2/3 of a season before Dave was manipulated by those Islamists into quitting the biz. I'll ask again, why was it never reported prominently that his 'breakdown' involved his abandoning his wife and son to go 'study' with a hate-preaching Islamist fundamentalist? Man, fuck Islam.

My fantasy teams are really putting in work this week and life is good. I had a string of 24 scoreless innings over the last 2 days. People in my office league are starting to realize that my team is the favorite and it feels good, I told these fools that I was very good at fantasy sports and nobody wanted to listen. Well, I am very good at fantasy sports, just as some people are inherently good at video games (like me). I remember in high school getting moked out by the douchebags who owned Genesis on NHLPA; I didn't own a Genesis and never had access to get my run. Then I came back from college and pissed all over those who had talked so much trash having had a chance to get some reps on Genesis. My recent dream is to go on the video game gameshow Arena and kick ass; my Tivo started taping it. If I did a bit more PC first person shooting gaming I think I'd be an ideal candidate for the show. I need 3 dudes to roll with me and then it's on.

SFN Sucks

2006-06-28T20:56:00.000-04:00

I have joined Stern Fan Network, the 'official unofficial' web-discussion board for Stern's Sirius show, twice now. I have been banned twice, the first after one post, the second after two.

The site should be called the Sycophant Fan Network, because if anyone keeps it real they are promptly banned. I had a vituperative e-mail exchange with Mutt, the administrator of the site, who denied banning me but said I was on 'time out' until I agreed to stop calling Howard's girlfriend Beth a horse face. I lied and told him I would refrain, but mark my words, I will lurk around long enough to get a following, which my hilarious writing will guarantee, and then I will call her a HORSE FACE AGAIN.

Stern shits on women constantly, and goes over every celeb there is with a fine tooth comb. His collection of Superfag Superfans always call in and talk about the 'gorgeous Beth O.' Beth has a hot body without doubt, but she has a skull and jaw like a shetland pony. I am sick of everyone playing false for Howard. BETH OSTROSKY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HORSE and everyone kissing her ass bothers me. I'm keeping it REAL. I don't care how many times they kick me off SFN.

Slaughter on the Plains of Durotar

2006-06-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

Things are hectic these days in Durotar. It's kill or be killed and my warlock is growing in reputation. It's the return of Calibos tanks better up they armor, smash pretty boy mages and I crush their karma.

I have had complaints regarding my blog volume but I'm pretty god damn tired and my guild really needs me. As a pariah ignored and excluded in the real world, I have found my niche amongst the blockbuster clerks and McDonald's counter junkies who through the brilliance of technology have their chance to slay the dragon and engage in badassery, even if it's virtual badassery. These everyday heros display valor and heroism night in, night out from the blistering Shimmering Flats to the icy peaks of the Hinterlands. Quest on, my comrades.

The lunch crew will reassemble, my phone will remain silent as Picard and the Chin take to the links, biters will continue to recycle my greatness for their six degrees of separation audiences. Fuck you all, I will retreat into the beautiful game and take heads and listen to the lamentation of the women. I will take revenge on the Chin for his snubbery by encouraging everyone I know to use the Invention Submission Corporation. That will show Garreth Keenan himself who's boss. I'll also subconsciously encourage his wife to give their soon to be born child a massively snooty Manhattan kid style name.

I have 3 friends whose wives should be having babies basically NOW. None are coming. They know that a birthday this close to the 4th of July sucks and all the kids will always be away and unavailable for birthday parties.

Star Jones is off The View. I'm happy, because it's a blow to that fat cunt and likely means I won't have to hear about her and her gay husband as often as I currently do. At the same time, I don't watch that garbage show and despise Barbara Walters so who cares if it does better or worse or if it's a little bit less horrid than it is now. Rosie is funny when she's not denying her butch dyke roots, so maybe she will liven things up. I still won't watch though, unless it's her Gay Cruise and I can guffaw as the gangstas from the Bahamas picket the Gay Cruise landing. Man that made me laugh so hard, those Bahamians don't play with the botty-man.

Al Scales Reynolds, you've got less hours in the day when you can suck cock without Star catching you, you gigantic queen. Star you disgusting pig, you still look like shit now that you lost weight through surgery. Fuck you, Star, go eat some fucking Payless you bitch!

I've been kicked off the Stern Fan Network twice now for badmouthing the staff of Superfan Roundtable and killing Beth O and Jessica Hahn. Who gives a fuck, Beth O is a horseface and if she weren't Howard's girlfriend he'd be KILLING her.

Moose Solid

2006-06-25T21:18:00.000-04:00

Solid day at Baseball Heaven today with my dad, brother, and future sister-in-law. Moose threw a gem and after a bit of rain delay the game was a quick pitcher's duel.

My shoulder is still really not feeling right. I am terrified that I am going to need another surgery, in which case I will just be dealing with a bad arm for the rest of my life because that surgery was a nightmare.

Working stinks. I hate working.

Togetherness

2006-06-24T23:39:00.000-04:00

Today we celebrated my sister's birthday and my brother's engagement with some hanging out at my sister's house (she has a pimping new basement that's been totally redone to add a media room, gym, bedroom for her nanny, bathroom, and most importantly 50'' plasma). There are some great buys to be had on the other side of the river there, you've just got to be willing to make a long commute. My niece and nephew are phenomenal. I ate at least 5 huge hunks of Carvel cake, my favorite substance on planet earth. Also chowed on some sweet lobster.

My brother's fiancee, who I haven't had a chance to hang out with much to this point due to geography, seems pretty cool. She is willing to move to the NY area or wherever he wants to live after they are married which was fantastic news; I was convinced he would be grandfathered into her family and tethered to their house. We had a good dinner and some spirited darts with my kickass grandma.

On a low note, my brother had a call while we were watching some World Cup and a good friend of his who I also got to know when he crashed at my apartment when flying home for holidays was hit with an IED in Iraq and is in Walter Reed, where he'll likely lose at the least a leg and hopefully can pull through. Just the kind of news it's great to get when my brother's about to ship out. These fucking cowardly cocksuckers blowing up bombs in public places, just trying to kill as many people as they can. The Muslim world is a rotting piece of feces and frankly if the whole thing disappears tomorrow the planet will be better for it. DURKA DURKA DURKA, MOHAMMED ALLAH, DURKA DURKA.

A few years ago I was sitting at Lord of the Rings with this kid. To my delight he annoyed my bald closet case roommate by continually shooting off a cap gun, laughing with my brother and the rest of their friends. Now he's fighting for his life in a VA hospital because of some subhuman apeman. They should march islamists into concentration camps and systematically wipe them from the face of the planet. I will pray for Andy and that the coward responsible for this attack suffers eternally in hell. Islam stinks. I may change the title of my blog to Islam Stinks. Fucking subhumans. I think I'm going to burn a Koran the next time I have a barbecue. In fact I am sure of it. Note to self, buy Koran at Borders next week.

Another happy day ruined by islamist trash. Die islamists.

Look at Me, Look at Me!!!

2006-06-23T00:03:00.000-04:00

I hope this guy and his family all die painful and immediate deaths. This cocksucker can't wait to abandon his supposed 'comrades' and go on his book tour. His publicity-craving parents will be all over the news soon, and here's hoping that camera radiation gives them painful brain tumors. If he were so principled he wouldn't have his web-site with all the glamour shots of him in his pretty clothes up. What an affront to those who honor their commitments and have already made the ultimate sacrifice. My brother lands in the green zone in about a month, many other friends are there now or have been and gone. This puke dishonors them all and calls attention to himself not for a cause, but out of arrogance and to chase fame and riches. He will be rewarded properly in time, without doubt, but not in man's currency.

This claim of 'illegal war' is transparent, unseemly, and tracing-paper thin. He refuses a command of the commander in chief, authorized by the legislature. His grounds for considering the action illegal in his context as an officer of our military are nonexistent. This cocksucker gave up the right to exercise his personal opinions and decide where to go or when based on his preferences when he took his oath to support the U.S. Constitution and Commander in Chief, but clearly his oath doesn't mean as much as getting his ugly mother and father in the paper. Al on Deadwood knows just what I want to call these motherfuckers but am too restrained to do, but I would certainly feed them to Wu's pigs. Oaths don't mean much to dirtbags like this piece of trash, who as far as I know is a double agent for the Emperor we bitch-slapped in WWII. As my grandfather used to explain sometimes, 'you see, it was the old days; we were at war with the japs.' Back in the day when we knew what war was about and that our enemies hated us, so it was a-ok to hate them right the fuck back. Save your media campaign Lieutenant Should-Get-AIDS. God I hope he dies. BANZAI, cocksucker.

In positive news, my father in law stood himself up with minimal assistance today, the first time he's stood since February. Big up. On to the rehab hospital where hopefully this latest recovery will amplify and continue.

If I'd mailed it in Wednesday, I've DEFINITELY mailed it in for tomorrow. It's the weekend.

Suck It, Garofalo

2006-06-22T00:19:00.000-04:00

Surprise Surprise. The whole 'where were the weapons' thing was a gigantic farce to begin with -- we know Saddam used WMDs to kill all those kurds that they have been digging up by the thousands in mass graves since we penetrated Iraq. Nobody really cared, it's all such a game of bullshit down there in Washington. Saddam FAMOUSLY used his WMDs before and shortly after Gulf War I. Why people have had the gall to say there never were any there is beyond me, EVERYONE agreed he had them before the war less that cocksucking fague Hans Blix and, sadly, many of them were moved prior to our invasion. Sadum (I use GWB I's pronunciation) signed a treaty instituting a no fly zone and then shot missile after missile in an attempt to kill our servicemen who did nothing but abide by the treaty he had put in place. Sadum was a bad guy. True, the animalistic foreign fighters from places like Syria, which should be wiped off the face of the earth, continue to infiltrate Iraq and try to kill our servicemen and women because they hate freedom. You don't hear it publicized much, the fact that the majority of the insurgents are not Iraqi. Dance around with your queer afro some more Al Franken, least funny cast member on SNL save perhaps Kenan. You suck.

It doesn't matter, the whole Middle East sucks and both flavors of Islam are ignorant barbarism, nothing more nothing less. Roll your eyes, have you read the Koran? I've read the koran, it is a book of idiocy. Complain about that statement, but remember that if you have a vagina you would be bought, sold, de-clitorized and beaten like a rented mule in much of the Middle East. God DAMNIT I had resolved not to talk about those stupid cavemen for a while. I'm done.

I have moved into third place in both of my fantasy leagues. Season-ending injuries and the underperformance of RJ has plagued both my squads but, as always, I remain competitive on guile and pro-active management and a keen eye for free agent talent. I will finish in the black yet again when this season is over. I am the winningest baseball GM you know.

The new Nelly Furtado album is disappointing; at least that's my initial reaction. It has way too much faux-rap on it and very little 'musical music' -- all this Missy Elliott style shit. It's fine for Missy, who has very little musical talent, but Nelly can sing and usually writes great melodies. Promiscuous is ok but a lot of the tracks, at least on first listen, remind me of the music the female pop star who dated Bruce Leroy made in the epic Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon, or the startup music from various 16 bit NES games. True, some of that music ruled, and point taken, I hated Furtado's second album when it came out and grew to love it. Still, Nelly's # 1 fan who is not a fruity bitch who likes club music says 'too much dance, not enough songwriting.' Maybe it will grow on me.

I think the new Keane album is pretty good, although it is shameful liking music that sounds so "O.C." This concludes the gay music review section of tonight's post. Thank God we are over the hump. On to the weekend. Yes, I have already mailed the week in. Fuck it.

Poor Cuban

2006-06-20T23:47:00.000-04:00

I love Mark Cuban and he's getting royally screwed. David Stern, second coming of Shylock, was on PTI today and I almost threw up watching that condescending prick. Semitic audience, shut your face about my use of one of the great characters in literature, I tire of your 'nobody from our team can be portrayed negatively' bullshit. Take it up with Bill Shakespeare you fucking pussies. Also remember that you don't have the license on genocide or hard luck. This means you Lovey Howell!

Thumbs down to Kornheiser for not bringing up the disparity in foul shots after Stern's tough guy posturing about 'not talking about the fines or Mark Cuban." I think Tony should have answered that with 'Then why are you on the show, stupid?' This is why somebody should kick David Stern right in the balls and why I don't watch the NBA anymore. Wilbon, as ever, was 1 rung down the capering ladder from Stu Scott and sucking. Fuck you Wilbon.

In the "Everyone steals from me" file I was IMing with a colleague today who noted that "no one uses parentheticals the way you use parentheticals." I said I know, untalented hacks have been stealing on me and it is driving me up the fucking wall. Then I let it go because the Alchemist's identity will never be compromised, he is the sword in the darkness. Biters, your New Coke attempts on the secret formula are in vain, God will reward your embezzlement with herpes.

Wow, Duane Wade just literally forearm shivered Dirk and they called a foul, gave Miami a new shot clock and 2 shots. What a fucking abortion. This fix is as obvious as any I've seen in sports history. I like Shaq and all but this is disgusting. The NBA has 0 credibility, boy do I feel for Cuban and the Mavs. Duane Wade, you and your retard illiterate mother go fuck yourselves.

Odds and Ends

2006-06-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

First, to the members of the Cult of the Baby who heard me wax on about family on father's day and called in today asking if Mrs. A is pregnant, be still. The wife remains unsullied by fetus. All this pressure is going to make a guy even more resistant to joining your cult. Get it together.

Lots going on nowadays. The Chairman of the Board is back in midtown, or at least the rug district which beats the shit out of garbage downtown. The lure of downtown can sway you for a brief time; at least if you're not in the WFC area and forced to walk a 12 minute walk to get to anything to eat. But Downtown sucks. Everybody knows it. Welcome back. 1 son of John Morgan remains; we leave no man left behind even if we are forced to drag your corpse with us during the extraction. Your time will come. Meanwhile, Little Jerry Seinfeld is likely going to be mauled to death by the bird Marcelino had flown in from Caracas, a bird that I hear doesn't own a television.

Promisingly, real estate is falling to shit thanks to interest rates climbing and stupid motherfuckers overpricing shit. Inventory is up, demand is down; I am hopeful that in the not too distant future some people will be choking on ARMs and Interest-Only loans and begging to be put out of their misery. My wife, the chief of real estate rage, will not offer them a drink of water. Still, houses we have followed on LI and in Westchester have had to reduce and that's a good sign. I contend my wife is pushing for Long Island not to be closer to her ailing father and help out but to eat a lot of Marvel. Stavros was mentioning Marvel the other night and if Picard was not too busy tripping the light fantastic we'd be enjoying a nice cone of Marvel after a round at Lido Beach. They only put Marvel there to keep away the element that is sadly associated with Carvel these days. Repulsive, says the Chairman.

Joe Torre continues to prove what a fucking moron he is when it comes to managing a staff. That stupid cocksucker couldn't organize his way out of a wet paper bag when it comes to pitching. I am really getting tired of this big nosed dilhole. He and Tom O'Brien should have a cocktail and talk about how classy they are while extracting minimum result from their rosters. I'd like to beat Torre's brain in with a crowbar in slow motion to Michael Jackson's 'Stranger in Moscow.' Hooooow does it feel MJ will croon as Torre's immense strawberry nose explodes beneath my bullpen-rage induced beating. Ha.

I have moved beyond Wallabees and now wear Clark's casual shoes into the office with business casual ensembles. You won't find a more comfortable, lightweight shoe on the market. Clarks forever.

Happy 29th to Kid Z. Soon you will be a father and thereafter, a 30 year old man. It's all over for you. Get fucking Dice on the phone.

Michael Jackson: The Ultimate Collection is worth your time and money. It includes 4 discs of great music and a DVD of a mind-blowing Bucharest show. I was lucky enough to see Michael in concert and like him or hate him he is the greatest showman of the past 40 years. If Usher had recorded You Rock My World it would have sold 25 million copies. Get off Michael's back, you ignorant asses. Right now my I am treating my neighbors to the slow build of "Dirty Diana." I do the MJ stomping dance move when he gets to the DIRTY DI-ANAAAAA part, and boy must they love that. Ha, my wife is sleeping on the other side of the house and I'm dancing around and screaming DIRTY DI-ANAAAAAAAAA to the chagrine of the building. Fuck 'em.

Why I Never Watch the NBA

2006-06-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'm watching the game tonight and remembering why I never watch the NBA.

Duane Wade (I know how his retard mom mis-spelled his first name, but fuck it, either I'm calling him Duh-wuh-yani or writing his name as it should be written, I won't spell my name F-U-C-K and tell you it's Harold and we shouldn't be forced to engage in this etymological idiocy) gets a foul call EVERY TIME HE SHOOTS. The refs have willed Miami back into this because they're the sexy media pick. Poor Mark Cuban, what a conspiracy. Wade has taken 24 foul shots. The Mavs entire lineup has taken 17. How is this acceptable? Retarded.

Go Mavs. The NBA still sucks, but Cuban rulz. Go Dirk*

* Little known fact, before he went to the Nike camp and dominated to the extent that he was selected in the NBA draft without any college experience, Dirk Nowitzki had committed to play hoops for Al Skinner at Boston College.

Phuck Phil!

2006-06-18T23:24:00.000-04:00

I am re-cycling titles at this point but I think my anti-Phil title from a past rant deserves to come out today. Everyone kisses Phil's ass, but he has choked away more championships than most people have had a chance at. True, he is nasty and if he weren't good, he wouldn't have had a chance to choke so many times. Phil has as much game as anybody, but I'm sick of the saccharinization/ faux persona he markets and the blind worship this guy receives. Everybody kills Tiger, but he hasn't gambled away as much money as Phil or eaten it as many times when there was big pressure.

I'm all for guys with problems and support John Daly (f you, Jay) for just those reasons, but when everybody sucks Phil's cock and puts their sponsorhips on him for walking around with that fake smile while killing Daly, I call bullshit. Eat it Phil, go Phuck Yourself.

Good Father's Day. Had a nice convo with my dad who is going to give me one of his bikes as soon as I get my motorcycle endorsement. Just about 10 years ago I began a nice 5 year chunk during which I was president of the Kelly Taylor club and didn't talk to my dad for that long. Not many people can sit down to lunch with their dad and have him lead with "So, how was college." Surreal, but I'm glad that we have at least come to this somewhat scabbed place.

Went out and spent time with my in-laws; my father in law continues to fight the good fight against the most vicious of opponents in cancer. Despite about the worst circumstances you can imagine he has retained his optimism and good humor; only that sort of happy-go-lucky bloodline can explain how my wife manages to tolerate me as she does with such blind acceptance. Good Fudgie the Whale cake.

At some point in the reasonably near term I think I will be a father, God willing, if I didn't totally cook my nuts with my alternative-lifestyle career. As I'm making career decisions and trying to find a place to live and establish some kind of permanence I'm really listening to what my dad told me, which is "I worked way too much and regret it, spend as much time as you can with your family." Someone was recently talking to me about trying to achieve great things in charting their career and life path, but as someone who's confronted significant family illnesses and come through an extremely dysfunctional family upbringing I can say that without doubt the 'greatest' thing anyone can achieve is supporting and present parentage to one's offspring and availability to one's family. If you don't want to have kids, or you want to be president or invent Radium, chances are you're going to have to pour a lot of yourself into it. It's noble, and it's a good thing to do, but despite all the female-empowerment books out there NOBODY can 'have it all.' Unless you're some dick who makes millions of bucks reasonably quickly and then retires at 30 and goes to all your kids' baseball games. Those guys should all get fucking HIV.

No Respect

2006-06-16T21:10:00.000-04:00

The Mets are hot and, as usual, their fans are stupid.

I read on-line today someone writing about how it was 'great to have our Jeter' of David Wright.

Wright may be a good ballplayer and prove to be a stalwort to a good Mets run. But when David Wright wins 4 rings, making huge clutch plays in all 4 championships, and leads the MAJOR LEAGUES IN HITS OVER THE COURSE OF A DECADE, I will listen to this b.s. This is when the Mets fans start raising their volume, filibustering, and engaging in ad hominems. Because it's not good enough for them to have a young all-star caliber player, they have to be 'better' than us. Never mind that we're not in their diluted division. Never mind that they'd have to get in the playoffs and win, which this team has yet to show it can do, before we'd ever be a real matchup. The Mets fans can't ever enjoy anything without making it about the Yankees. They are almost as lame as the Red Sox fans in that regard. Oh well.

I may play golf tomorrow, but the legendarily unreliable in the first half of the day Picard will likely sleep too late.

In the Words of Elegant Elliott Offen

2006-06-11T22:46:00.000-04:00

Those who copy my blog will be turned into beef stews, riiiiight, you hear me? That's gangster talk for LEFT FOR DEAD. in the wind, riiiiight?

One such imitator is going to meet the same fate as Joe Corson at the legendary Stage Delicatessen, who had his face broken by the Elegant one for disrespecting Elliott's father.

I don't have copyright on my phrasing but I do have my devices, and I see them when they show up on copycat blogs. Such copying is the work of complete and utter trash. Get off my devices you untalented hacks. I know that your core audience doesn't read my work, and when I see you stealing, as is your inherent nature, it is offensive. THATS GANGSTER TALK FOR UNACCEPTABLE, RIIIIGHT?

The guy who set up the Elliott Offen MySpace profile, complete with Elegant's quotes, is a genius and should win the Nobel Prize for making me laugh about 20 times tonight. I am spamming Eric 'The Actor' Lynch with MySpace hatemail. Eat it, Eric the Midget!

Level 43. w00t.

Questing Like It's Going Out of Style

2006-06-11T20:42:00.000-04:00

...and now the Blizzard login server is down.

I was panicked for a time that I'd had my account banned having led a vicious sortie into the Level 20-30 alliance territory of the Wetlands in retribution for some corpse-camping by a bunch of queer hunters and paladins earlier today. The thing that really pisses me off about warcraft is corpse camping. When your character is killed, your 'soul' is transported to the nearest cemetery and you have to walk back to where your body is lying and, upon completing the journey, you can re-animate. On re-animating, you have about half your life/mana points. Unfortunately for warlocks such as myself, who rely on magical armor rather than plate or leather, we must immediately use all our magic points to re-armor and at that point have half life and no ability to use spells. So, if you kill someone (especially a caster) and wait in the vicinity of their body, you can probably bump them off again quickly and easily. The super ghey alliance do this all the time, and thanks to the fact that people choose alliance 3 to 1 over the hustling Horde, there are far too many morons 'proving themselves' by unfairly beating up on re-animated Horde. I am questing for witherbark troll skulls and these jerks waste 30 minutes of my time.

Livid, I rallied a contingent of my guild, the southern assassins, and we merged with another group of warriors, shamans, and like-minded Mages and made for the wetlands. I tell you, many a night elf priest knew the pain of my immolate spell today. We utterly dominated approximately 15 guys and ruined their gaming experience for nearly an hour. Payback is a bitch. Horde for life, blood and thunder.

So now I come back online just having hit Level 42 and the login server is down. At least my account hasn't been banned. Get to work Blizzard, I'm not paying you to not let me play the game.

My Warcraft relapse is surprisingly strong, and with an expansion due for release soon it doesn't look good. My wife, who has a hustling friend who plays with her boyfriend, has been asking around about getting in the game. Warcraft is just the addiction that could ruin a zelda fan like her and for now I will safeguard her. When the blood elf expansion comes out maybe I will put a copy on the laptop and we can game together.

Goodnight B-Hop

2006-06-11T09:45:00.000-04:00

Goodbye to one of my favorite boxers and one of the best of my generation, Bernard Hopkins.

Hopkins has been under-publicized and for some reason his hardcore gangster persona has not earned the street cred guys like Tyson enjoyed. True, nobody had the knockouts Tyson did, but Tyson didn't come off of a long prison bid and set the record for middleweight title defenses with little to no respect from the mainstream media.

I began to hear about Bernard Hopkins who was a "young 35" (fight fan talk for 'has been in jail for a good stretch and doesn't have wear-and-tear as a result) toward the turn of the century as he approached the landmark fight of his career against Tito Trinidad. The year was 2001; a gaggle of camelfucking animals had recently destroyed 2,000 plus American lives and times were tough. Tito came in with his super-gay straw Puerto Rico hat, his annoying PR music and the Nuyorican crowd was showing the class that is no doubt marring Manhattan as we speak (today is the Puerto Rican day parade). MSG might as well have been San Juan that night. Stavros has reported that the jagoffs are already honking their horns and no doubt getting ready to have some knife fights and molest some women in the park. Before you start bitching at me, bear in mind that someone was knifed to death on the parade route last year and the wilding is epic year in, year out. Don't fear the truth.

So, it is September 23, 2001, B-Hope goes in to fight Tito, and everybody's against him. Tensions ran high for me; I'd supported Tito a lot during his career, especially when he beat up my least favorite boxer, GeLaHoya. However, my former college roommate Marcos (he of Arrecibo, PR) and I had engaged in a war of words via e-mail and pride was on the line. I was rolling with Hopkins because I had tired of his shit-talking about how Puerto Ricans were the greatest athletes. Marcos has always gotten my goat by bragging about how as a Puerto Rican citizen he pays no federal income tax and enjoys almost all of the benefits of American citizenship. F you, Marcos, you leech.

B-Hop walked out in his leather X-logo'd Executioner mask through a hateful crowd that rained debris and spanish curses on him and he beat the shit out of Tito. And as soon as it was over, he stood on the turnbuckles and faced down the chittering Nuyorican crowd screaming "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.," waiting for someone, anyone in MSG to join him. No one in that crowd took up the chant but I was screaming in my living room and at the barbershop for months after as Pascual and I sang Hopkins praises. Ever since, I have loved Bernard Hopkins.

I could catalog his amazing and underpublicized career but they've done a pretty good job (as always) on Wikipedia. I watched the fight last night knowing Bernard had stated it was his last fight win, lose or draw (though this morning, the always under-paid Bernard said he might 'come out of his grave' if they gave him $20 million -- how does GeLaHoya get these paydays and B-Hop is denied? Garbage). Tarver, a fighter naturally 20 plus pounds heavier had brought a rocking chair to the press conference to disrespect Bernard. This bitch, who is attached to Rocky 6, for which any man should be sentenced to death, is going to mock Bernard like that? Not on my watch.

The champ was fighting B-Hop at his natural weight while B-Hop was coming up 2 classes. And B-Hop kicked the shit out of him, knocking him down and winning 10 of 12 rounds on my card. What a great champ, what a great fight. Most of you probably didn't watch this fight, you probably didn't buy the PPV and that's why poor B-Hop has been so underpaid. I salute you B-Hop, and if you come back I will be here to support you.